Gwyneth Paltrow has joined The Village People

"Liek omg, I'm, like, totally African see my totally, like African beads and stuff and how like, I totally painted stripes on my face? Like, totally help AIDS, you guys, k? Cheerio!"- G-Po

After flying into a bilious rage I finally squelched my fury long enough to effectively operate a keyboard. This misguided high and mighty Western shit has really GOT TO STOP. I seriously cannot escape. How can I live in a society where that ad is ok? And I read that there are more ads with more people who should know better. David Bowie and Iman for a couple. I heard Seal and Heidi Klum did some too. And some completely random people who are ALL rich and ALL White. I fail to see the point. I fail to see how people can put these things together with a straight face. First Live 8, now this?

I’ve seen people say “how is that offensive?” Well, you should know that you are incredibly ignorant or just brainwashed. Why doesn’t she do an “I AM ITALIAN” ad with her hair slicked back while eating a bowl of spaghetti in order to put an end to gun violence and organized crime? Or maybe her English husband should do an “I AM IRISH” ad shitfaced drunk holding a potato to stop IRA bombings? I mean how many offensive, groundless images and stereotypes can you pack into one ad? And the person they chose…the WASP-iest American you could ever fathom. To say what? “Oh I know you didn’t care before about Africa what with it being a bunch of naked Blacks with their drums and big lips but lookit, what if it were ME? I mean yeah they wear beads and turquoise lines on their faces but srsly they’re like, totally like us.” Ooh, profound. Btw, can someone tell me what the hell “African” that is supposed to represent? I mean everyone knows most African countries’ eye stripes are a glittery magenta…If you have to imagine someone is rich pretty and white in order to give a shit about whether they live or die…well you are truly one fucked up individual. And one ad with a pretentious, sheltered starlet who is completely detached from reality isn’t going to change that.

And now, my open letter to G-Piddy:

Dear Gwynnie,

I just saw your horrific ad and I wanted to make some clear points to you that I’m sure you will treasure and take to heart.

1- Dressing up like a member of The Village People does not make you an African. Oh, and we do, sometimes, wear shirts.

2- AIDS DOES NOT EQUAL AFRICA. Last time I checked, the country with the most AIDS cases was India. But maybe you were still in hair and makeup and missed that little fact.

3-AFRICA DOES NOT EQUAL POOR. Gold. Oil. Sugar. Vanilla. Diamonds. Silver. Rubber. Basically every profitable natural resource utilized by the Western world comes out of that continent. Which explains why there is such a vested interest in it. If Africa was so poor, disease ridden and horrible, why are there so many white people slitting the throats of Black people to live there? And profit off of it? Money makes the world go ’round. Pharmaceutical companies make drugs. They need people to buy those drugs. When people buy those drugs, they make money. If nobody buys the drugs, some very rich evil people become quite perturbed. Maybe the caption should have just read, “There are not enough people to push all these drugs on in America so why don’t we just dump them on Africans. I mean, what are they gonna do about it? We get paid, they aid our research, we look like philanthropists, they drop dead.” Seems to be a familiar refrain. It’s basically a modern day Tuskegee. Way to do your research before you put your face on something! Whoo hoo!

4-Sheltered people who spend their entire lives in Hollywood living existences experienced by about .1 percent of the human population should quite often sit down and shut the fuck up.

And most importantly, 5- If you want to “help Africans”, start treating them like actual people and not just photo opps, ad campaigns and charity cases. If someone trips, you don’t call a camera crew before you help them up.

Hearts and Third World Kisses,

Oh and if any of you reading this want to help an African, I accept money orders and Paypal, kthx…