God I am so disappointed in everyone. Can’t I have a hero? Why’ve you gotta fuck it up?…
It makes me wonder what these people are responsible for. These actors and musicians. An actor is different. I don’t have to know anything about you. I don’t have to care about you. It’s what you do after they say “action” that makes you someone to take notice of or not. But with music, you give of yourself. It’s a part of you, isn’t it? So how can I like your music but hate you? And if I think you’re a cunt, should I burn all your records? I own Desertshore. granted I bought it before I found out that Nico was a monstrous junkie twat. But I kept it and still listen to music she is a part of. I made that decision. But what am I supporting?
I resent that I am put into that position where I have to fucking delve into the past and practically become a private detective whenever I discover a new band or artist I like. Or maybe I am just taking it way too seriously. People who make movies and music are fucked up. I mean, as long as you are not a fucking child rapist like Polanski I mean who gives a fuck what you do?
I do. God forbid I champion a sexist or a racist. I don’t know what to do about Bad Brains’ homophobia. I mean if a person’s just a twat, well that’s one thing. I can just listen to records and pray that the person who makes them never opens their mouth within earshot. But when it comes to things that I find fucking morally reprehensible…who’s responsibility is that? Especially these older acts…what if they were alcoholic wife beaters or racists or whatever? Should I still care? I’d like to see Nico come at me with a broken bottle now, the creep. But does it invalidate good music?
Is it my responsibility to walk the straight and narrow in public like mainstream acts do, desperately? Should I not swear and call people twats and smile more and “network” and all that nauseating shit? Why? Maybe I’m an asshole. Does that have anything to do with my music?
I really don’t know. We love thse artists. Like, LOVE them. Sometimes they are the only people we care about. The only people that understand. The only people that can make us feel…anything. They are gods and godesses, right? So if they fall from grace in our eyes, should they be held accountable? Or is admiring a rock star sort of like an ornery senior citizen yelling at the t.v. set?
I think about this because I intend to do this professionally. But where do I stop and where does the creation begin? Do I give of myself and take the responsibility? Or do I corner myself off, give you what you need to see, be elevated, then feel free to take a big shit on the top of your head?
I am no God. I am ridiculous. I know this. But why can’t I say it? Why can’t I wear my ratty jeans and not make eye contact and sing these beautiful songs that blow your fucking soul wide open then go home and eat a sandwich and go to sleep? Why do I have to put on a fucking act and namedrop and take pictures and look ridiculous trying to get you to believe that I am not ridiculous? Which I am?
I make music for people who see the infinite in flesh and bone. You don’t have to be spectacular to create spectacular things. I don’t wear leather pants or sequins. God help me if I ever do.
I’m just tired of having to keep up appearances. I don’t want to be what you think I have to be. I want to be who I am.
I’m going my way. Follow if you’d like.