The White Noise Supremacists 10th Anniversary Japan Tour 2016 Photo Diary

Non-Black People of Color, Black people are #NotYourMule

I am a Black woman who has lived in both Korea and Japan and has Black female acquaintances who have lived long term in China. I am also aware of all the rampant anti-Blackness present in South Asian cultures and the casual acceptance of Anti-Blackness, EXTREME Colorism and White Supremacy present in most Asian cultures as a whole. Because of this, the Twitter hashtag is especially interesting to me.

I do support PoC supporting each other in general, but how quickly nBPoC (non-Black People of Color) attack Black people for not including them is quite telling, since most nBPoC uphold the White Supremacist racial hierarchy like it’s their job. NBPoC are seemingly oblivious to the fact that in perpetuating the belief that White people are on top and Black people are on the bottom, you also cement YOUR place within that racist structure as second or 3rd class citizens of Humanity. Anti-Black People of Color are tools in their own oppression. So how can you complain about Black people not checking for you when you so covet the embrace of the hand which its sole purpose is to hold you down- hold ALL OF US down, collectively, as non-White people?

The term WoC was INVENTED BY BLACK WOMEN as a way to be inclusive of EVERYONE in the fight against White Supremacy:

Living in Asia, the disrespect and suspicion I face from Asian people in general who literally gain nothing from putting me down and disrespecting who I am and where I come from is appalling and infuriating. Not to mention the racism I have faced from Asian-Americans and non-Black Latinos back in the US. Black people always try to be inclusive of people who have shown time and time again that they couldn’t give a flying shit about us. Hell, I left post-Grad courses I was taking at Seoul National University in S. Korea because I LITERALLY COULD NOT LIVE IN A COUNTRY THAT HATES BLACK PEOPLE THAT MUCH. Like, I couldn’t handle it. And I come from the US. You know, that country where it’s literally fucking legal to murder Black people and it was part of the constitution that we’re 3/5ths human?

There are some Asian, Latino, and Native American people who have supported and . But there is also and my experiences as a Black woman in Asia that literally make me want to bomb the world. I have had many Asian people tell me to my face that Black people are too “aggressive” in standing up to racism and we should pipe down because there is even less Asian visibility in America “and we don’t complain about it all the time.” I just don’t know where all this entitlement for Black support comes from when you know full and well most people in your cultural group would NEVER stand up for a pro-Black cause ever. YOU even harbor anti-Black sentiment yourself, yet you have the nerve to get mad and speak out about this imaginary Black conspiracy of nBPoC exclusion BEFORE you get mad at White People? Wtf? Black people don’t have any power! Black people don’t have shit! We have to deal with hatred and discrimination FROM LITERALLY THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Chris Rock’s sexist and Anti-Asian jokes were bullshit. Of course. And you should speak up against that. However, support, respect and solidarity should be MUTUAL, not something you crawl out of the corners of social media to DEMAND after staying quiet as Black blood runs in the streets and Black bodies and cultures are demeaned, exploited and degraded, not only in America, but in your countries as well. If ANY nBPoC went to an African country, you would NEVER be treated as horribly as Black people are treated in Latin America, the Middle East and Asia. So when you get equally as riled up about changing that, then you have a right to ask for Black solidarity.  Until then, the load you carry is not ours to share. Black people are

Black Americans, Stop Being White About Africa.

I wrote this based on a response I wrote to my sister, when she sent me this article: “Can Black Americans Appropriate African Cultures?” After reading some of the dismissive, disgusting comment section, I had to say something because all I’ve seen is Black Americans attacking and Africans backing down and being silenced.

In 2015, Black Americans don’t have any connection to African cultures. Their closest connection is 500 years ago. They have FIVE CENTURIES of their own history, traditions and cultures that they created for themselves in the western world to draw from. Yes, this created culture has African origin, but the VAST MAJORITY of things on this earth have African origin. Including humanity. That doesn’t give everyone on planet earth who is a human the right to claim an African identity. I’ve seen Black Americans argue “I’m an African. It’s in my DNA.” Well, it’s not only in your DNA. Everyone on the planet has DNA that will eventually link them back to Africa. What makes me an African is not a collection of protein sequences. That is a shallow oversimplification that is offensive in and of itself. My upbringing, the food I eat, the music I listen to, the clothes I grew up wearing and had Black Americans mock me for wearing, my name (which was also mocked) the way I see the world, the way I define my Blackness, the languages I grew up hearing all around me. My values. The hilarious way Africans tell stories. The way my grandmother used to hug me and say “Oshyah” (phonetic) until I stopped crying when I fell down or hurt myself. My experiences as a 1st Generation American who has to deal with Anti-Blackness from everyone as well as Anti-African-ness from Western Black people. These things are part of my identity as an African. And there are many other things that I can’t even necessarily articulate. You do not have these experiences. Everything you know about Africa comes from what White people have told you. You don’t know who I am. Honestly, you don’t even know who you are. So how do you think you not only have the right to define what African-ness is but also put it on as if it were a costume? That is offensive. That is disrespectful. And that is exactly what White people do to you. (You know, those other people with African DNA?)

Look at the Khoisan. That’s where East Asian people get their looks from. And East Asian cultures are actually MORE similar to African cultures than Black American cultures are. Can Asians start walking around in dashikis and kente cloth and whatever mish-mash pick-and-choose- gumbo of African cultures they want to claim as their own and start saying they are African? NO THEY CANNOT. (Not like they ever would say that because the thirst for Whiteness over here in Asia is REAL.) Anyway, they are around 50,000 years removed from Africa. Might as well be 500. Either/or, the majority of both groups have NO clue about  the cultures and identities they are emulating and that is a fact. I was raised in the US. I don’t recall ANY Black Americans being respectful and knowledgeable about my background growing up. Or maybe they just didn’t have time to be, between slurs of “darky”, “nappy”, or “African Bootyscratcher” and mocking me about having AIDS or Ebola. The Western Black people who would say “You’re too pretty to be African, what are you mixed with?” Or assume that my long hair was a weave, or would ask me if I ate tigers or lived in a hut (tigers aren’t fucking from Africa dumbass. And huts? Really?) The people who when I say my mother is from Sierra Leone they respond with, “What’s that?”… These are the people who want to call themselves Africans? Why?

What was seen at that “festival that dare not speak its name” and elsewhere by Western Black people IS appropriation. When WE walk down Fulton St. or 125th St. or through any Black American neighborhood in traditional clothing, we get looks and snickers and comments but when they wear it, it’s fashionable. When our music is played in its natural form it is mocked. When it is played in the form of reggae or hip-hop or blues, it’s cool. By the way, most instruments and scales (pentatonic, anyone?) seen as western are African inventions. Without those things, Western music wouldn’t exist PERIOD. History goes one way. Africans making rap is not appropriation because Black Americans did not create rap independent of African influence. It CAME FROM US. You just adapted it into something that reflected your experience and circumstances. That is not a problem. But how can you tell people who invented communication through talking drums that we can’t rap? That is the cultural ignorance that I am talking about. And I am SURE that all the Western Black people who made those comments have never heard of a talking drum in their life. Or the people who are on the step team yet know nothing about South African Gumboot dancing. You take from our cultures, do not give credit or are completely ignorant of the fact that credit is due, and only view our cultures as “cool” when they are filtered through YOU. That’s wrong and it is EXACTLY what White people do to you. If you do not respect me, why do you want to take my name? When Marlon Wayans hosted the MTV Africa Music awards (I’m sure he hosted it out of “pride” and not a paycheck) , he spent the whole night making Anti-African jokes. Nowadays, there are all these rappers taking African tracks and ripping them off without paying royalties, Black American run clothing lines using African prints/materials and not a damn African makes a penny from it … Many African artists even boycotted the BET awards because they were treated horribly. They had Tiwa Savage dancing around in a back lot in an un-aired performance. Tiwa Savage is one of Nigeria’s biggest stars! There was even an African band at this years “festival that dare not speak its name” that was HORRIBLY mistreated and I know that for a fact … Black Americans collecting money on other people’s culture yet mistreating and disrespecting the actual people doesn’t qualify as exploitation?

Some more Black people acting White about Africa are the people who attacked the African woman who wrote the article like her feelings are invalid as an African because you as Black Americans don’t agree. Well great but, uh, you ain’t African and you have no clue what it feels like so who are you to shut her down when she says she feels uncomfortable when she sees people who couldn’t even name 5 African countries (or didn’t even know that Africa isn’t a country) adopting her culture, most times incorrectly, and being rude and standoffish when corrected? My mother could tell you how many times she’s seen Black women trying to tie their baby to them with a lapa and they do it wrong and get mad when she tries to show them how to do it right so their baby doesn’t die of shaken baby syndrome by the time they walk home.

I’ve also seen Black Americans ask, “Who are you to say we can’t wear these things?” Who are we? We are Africans. That’s not enough? Who do we have to be to tell someone when they do things that make us feel offended or uncomfortable? Black Americans have a horrible history but so do we as Africans. We just didn’t get our cultures stripped from us. And we can sympathise with you without letting you run over us. If your cousin got their wallet stolen, can they demand access to your bank account and get huffy when you say no and be all, “I’m your cousin we have a connection I can take what I want from you we have the same blood!”

Honestly speaking, Black Americans are like distant cousins that ain’t nobody seen for 500 years and when we do see you 9 times out of 10 you act like an asshole and mock us, resent our successes, put us down and stereotype us. And though you got your own house, your landlord’s a violent, abusive ass so you just show up to our place like “Hey, we’re related I’m moving in” and bust into our closet and wear our clothes and eat up all our food and get your name legally changed to ours and STILL don’t even respect us in our own house. Then when we say that we’re not comfortable with you barging in and doing these things, you try to say we have no right to protest because “we’re blood” and you get defensive that we even brought up your presence or behaviour. Isn’t that…um, completely insane?

If Black Americans would say “I want to be closer to African cultures because I don’t know where I’m from and it makes me feel lost and empty somehow. Embracing African cultures makes me feel more grounded as a Black person and gives me something to connect to, therefore I would like to learn. What are your traditions? What do your clothes mean and how do you make them? What do you wear on this occasion or eat on that occasion? What are your religions? I’d really like to learn your language. What is it called? Can you teach me? I’d like to see where/how you live. Can I visit? I think if I do, it would really feel like home to me.”

Do you think if Black Americans approached Africans like that, we would have ANY problem with it? Africans are the most sharing-ass people on the planet even when it is to our own detriment. No one would have a problem with teaching or sharing. The problem is, Black Americans are too arrogant and ethnocentric to want to learn. They think they are above trying to learn from Africans and are entitled to our cultures and identities and can just take what they want and do as they please no matter what we say or how we feel. Sound familiar?

When Black Americans learn to respect Africans as rich cultures and people that exist independently of them in the present and no longer view us solely as “primitive” relics of their past that they can just trade and horde at will, I will have no problem with them learning about Africa and becoming a part of a somewhat shared identity. Until that time comes, however, stay the hell out of my closet. And stop changing your name to Shawakalakabaka that is not African you can’t just make things up omg.

The White Noise Supremacists Solves the Meaning of Life

Step 1. Ask yourself: “Why was I born into the world?”

Step 2. Force yourself to come up with an answer that contains a verb.

Step 3. Do that. And never stop.

You’re welcome.

There is no escape. Is there?

This is the first real entry I’ve written in a couple of years. I just didn’t feel the need to … display. I rarely do. I do. But rarely.

I have been living in Seoul for 1 month, yesterday. Overall, I like it. I am still … frazzled. I have a lot of energy and curiosity and nerve but I am still tied to my old ways. Ive found that in living in another country, you as a person, don’t change. You are just made to encounter different aspects of who you are. Some are amplified, other parts are rendered useless. What is useless to me in Seoul? Doubt. I could doubt people and situations in NY because I knew what to expect and who to expect it from. I had observed almost 30 years of patterned behaviour. You think that would breed certainty but no, merely an ever increasing doubt. It became nauseating. It was like Groundhog Day the movie. Everyone played their parts and went through the motions. They always mistook me for a participant. But I learned what was behind the smiles. A bit late, yes, but better late than never. And so, I began to doubt them. I disbelieved them and followed my instincts, which were always proven true. But I hated the doubt. I just needed to be unsure of the right thing for once. The doubt others inspired in me was superficial. On the surface, it seemed like something new but underneath …I’m sure it’s the same. I don’t want to presume. I’ll withhold judgement and give you the benefit of the doubt, even though my gut is telling me that I don’t like your eyes. That there is something around you that seems off. That seems alike with all the ones before.

Here, it is useless to doubt. What would I base that on? I have no clue what you’re fucking saying let alone what you are thinking. Everything ACTUALLY IS NEW. I am unsure, yet it is not superficial. I legitimately have no clue what to expect. And it’s because one day I got on a plane. After years of waking up to see that it is once again 4/1, waking up in Seoul was like waking up and seeing that today is 4/2. It’s like oh shit! Now what? WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?? I am the kind of person who needs that feeling.

It’s funny that I, who always gets shit for being different than everyone else, has found comfort living in a conformist society. Here, you are not supposed to be different or look different or think differently. And there is a great deal of emphasis on the superficial. But…I don’t know. There are always individuals. In any society, we grapple with what we are told to want and value and what we innately value and how that shapes our personal tastes. For most, they alter the latter to fit the former but there are just some that don’t bother. And those are the ones who meet me for the first time and know that they know nothing but what they see. And are not content with that. People like that are scarce everywhere and yes there are people here who think they know who I am without knowing a goddamn thing. But the big difference is, there are a bunch of people who don’t. So you just seek. Keep it moving. Tell the shitty people “Yeah, bye.” and ease on down the road. In NY, especially as a Black person, there is NO WAY to escape people who think they know who you are. No matter what is on the surface, they think they know you and that “you people” are “all the same”. Even other Black people! If you are Black in that country and have a brain and a heart, god help you. I felt both shrinking from disuse/abuse/neglect so I got the FUCK out of there.

I ask my mother all the time why she just doesn’t leave. All the shit that White people have done to her and how difficult they still try and make things for her just because she is an African woman with pride and a heart and a brain and oh yeah a mouth (it’s inherited, lol). But she doesn’t want to. Immigrants are different. They have a different mindset that I will never fully understand. I have immigrated 2x in my life but I was young, single and spoke fluent English with an American accent. I appear Westernized. I have seen the shit that even other Africans who don’t have those traits are subjected to. I do have “Western privilege”. I remember waiting at Immigration in Germany. I was lucky enough to get people who were having a good day or were hungry and needed to go to lunch or something but getting my Visa was so quick and easy. But I saw other Africans who who spoke English with an accent of African origin and some were wearing traditional clothes. The same people who smiled at me treated them like shit. With no respect. Like they were lower than dogs.

It’s like I “pass” but I don’t want to fucking pass. I hate those people who smile at me then put down other people WHO ARE EXACTLY LIKE ME. But I “talk different” or “dress different”. In a way that you view as similar to you. In a way that you falsely and narcissistically assume is solely for your own benefit. They always figured out I was different in the end. Because they always fucking tried shit then I had to bitchsmack a ho to let ’em know that they are mistaken, because I am NOT THAT NEGRO, BYE.

But I was just reading about Mr. Floyd Dent and the piece of shit with a badge that nearly killed him: and I am sitting here with no Black people around for a few miles and thinking, “What have I escaped?” Martese Johnson … the guy was an Honor student who wears fucking bowties. You know that shit makes White people mad. Everything seems to make White people mad. So they just beat the shit out of everyone and kill everyone else and fly fucking planes into mountains. (Aside: How much you wanna bet White men won’t be closely searched and surveilled at airports as an “anti-terrorist precautionary measure”.)

What have I escaped now that these things don’t happen to me because I don’t live in an anti-Black culture anymore? There is rampant anti-Blackness in contemporary Korean culture but it is not a product of their culture nor do they depend on anti-Blackness for a sense of their cultural identity as a whole. Anti-Blackness in Asia is a European/American import. There are plenty of people who can feel proudly Korean without hating or feeling superior to Black people while “White Pride” and Anti-Blackness are inextricably linked. This doesn’t mean that anti-Black Asian people should not be held responsible for their racism. Fuck them too. Nobody can convince you to hate or demean someone else unless you are the type of person who is shitty and dumb enough to do those things in the first place. There is no “context” or history lesson needed to know that racial slurs and Blackface and things of that nature are wrong. I didn’t grow up with a ton of Asian friends but when I would see that yellowface/asexual-Asian-guy-as-punchline/Asian female fetishism shit growing up in America my knee-jerk reaction was “wtf?…that’s fucked up” because that shit just looks wrong. I didn’t have to walk up and down Canal St. and take a goddamn survey.

I am also not saying that Black people don’t experience racism in Asia either. I am saying, however, that I have been here for 31 days and I have not experienced any overt racism. I’ve experienced that many old Korean people are mad aggressive. But maybe that 아저씨 snapped at me on the subway escalator because he’s just an asshole. Could be. Idunno. But the fact is, who cares? It didn’t affect my life. It didn’t keep me out of a job or stop me from renting an apartment from my super helpful, non-aggressive old Korean landlord/landlady or give my kids’ all-Black school less funding than any other school in the district or punch me 16 times in the face and break my orbital bone or hogtie me and leave me in a hospital driveway as my brain bled me to death or shoot me 20 times for WALKING FORWARD SLOWLY after a car wreck or KNOCKING ON THEIR DOOR after a car wreck or drag me behind a truck at 90mph or lynch me or burn down my economically independent all-Black town out of jealousy/resentment or shoot my unarmed child in a stairway/in a gated community/in a park DO YOU SEE WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS?

In Seoul, as far as I can tell, racist people are just idiots with an opinion. You don’t like Black people? So? Bye. You wanna talk shit about Black people? Well I can’t understand it. Bye. You won’t hire Black people? Well there is another place who will. I guarantee it. Here, if you happen to experience racism, first off, it’s hard to be sure because people here legit won’t like/hire you/be polite to you for a million other looks/education/class based reasons. But, if you do, there are just other options here. There are other people. There are other situations. So if you don’t like something/someone/somewhere, go someplace else with someone else and do something else *shrugs*. No place is a utopia and unfortunately there is nowhere on earth that you can go to escape anti-Black sentiment (thanks for spreadin’ that White Supremacy worldwide and earnin’ that El Diablo Blanco title White people!!) but I can honestly say there has NEVER been a 31 day stretch of time in the U.S. or Germany where I didn’t face even 1 instance of discrimination/overt racism. Frankly, the only racism/sexism I’ve faced in Seoul since I’ve been here was from a White guy. Stay doin’ the most, Whitey!!

Anyway, I just wanted to ruminate aloud (or ablog) about my experiences so far. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve always been a planning and structure based youth and I have a need for that in my nature but I also give no fucks and do what I want YOU DON’T OWN ME yadda yadda so sometimes I just end up doing things that seem thought out to me but other people are like “What? Uzbekistan? Oh ok send me your new number *sigh*.” As I grow older I honestly could not care less. It’s just exhausting to care all the time, isn’t it? You shouldn’t have to fight for what you deserve. As a Black woman, that’s pretty much our day to day way of life. But it shouldn’t be. I’m not going to fight you to get you to treat me like a person. If you don’t want to do that automatically? Bye.

I think on my gravestone, it will just read “Bye, bitch. Lol” That is my new life motto. I intend to live a life so full that even in death, I will give about -3 entire fucks of a damn about anything. To me, that is truly resting in peace.

So in conclusion, I’m going to the gym. You can find super cheap ones here. So now I guess I will get buff. Stay tuned for the “Meant to Be” music video (BET after dark booty shorts edition.) Ahhh record deal, here I come!

The White Noise Supremacists Japan/Korea Tour Feb. 2015 Photo Diary

Lineup Segregation? Really? That’s a thing?

So what is it with bookers in this city booking bands by color rather than musical style? That’s really never happened to me before but since my return, that’s all that’s happened and I really want to know why the rock bookers in this city actually think that is even remotely acceptable. If you listened to my music and saw a picture of a white woman on my websites and in my videos you wouldn’t put me on a hip hop night or an r&b night or a night with all Black or Asian bands playing some form of hip hop, r&b or electronic music. But that’s all I get. There is this one booker who was like “I’ll get you a show and I have the perfect band for you to play with.” I listened to their music and it was really nothing like mine but, oh, they were Black women. I guess in her eyes that made us “perfect” to play together. Because I know every band with White guys in it is perfect to play together regardless of the actual style of music that they make.

What is your problem, White bookers? Are you really that myopic that as soon as you see someone isn’t White, you scour your backlog of bands to find the brownest people for them to play with? Are you dumbasses? Why is that a thing? The rock scene in this city really is the absolute worst. I don’t think I will even be playing here anymore. I make more money in the subways and I don’t have to put up with the disrespect of these lame bookers who expect you to kiss their ass just to get a gig. No, I am not going to explain to you how many people I can draw on a Sunday night at 2am go fuck yourself. I’m not playing that game. Not with my music at this point in my career. Anyway it’s not like the rock venues in this city will even book me. Cameo, Trash, Cake Shop…they only want “connected” bands that won’t upset their White hipster sensibilities. Can’t get drunk on PBR and give BJs in the bathroom when some Black chick is on stage talking about her minority issues.

I think White bookers don’t know what to do. There are more and more rock bands with people of color in them and more and more of us don’t feel the need to censor ourselves and keep things “safe and non threatening” for White audiences. I feel like the inane phenomenon of booking bands by race is a bit like insurance, so if any acts start, Idunno, burning White people in effigy like all of us crazed PoC militants tend to do at our shows, they can be sure the audience won’t mind, but they can also keep the White band’s audiences lily white. Because most White bands and acts don’t have diverse audiences. Certain do but most don’t. Booking PoC bands with White bands would change that. It would also expose PoC bands to press and a wider audience and god knows that can never happen. What would the community think?!

I’m tired of being marginalized in every fucking arena. When I have put together a night of Black bands, it is with the expressed interest of giving Black bands a stage and an audience to do what we like on our own terms and to be in the center of things; not in the periphery. These bookers are doing the opposite. It’s lazy and offensive. Me defining myself as a Black artist is different than you doing it for me and deciding what that should entail, including who I should play with, when and where. The latter is limiting. The former is not.

I’d really like for there to be a Black run or at least PoC run arts venue, by PoC that are not crazy from being ravaged by internalized racism and just want to showcase art by PoC who really couldn’t give a flying shit about White people liking them or “crossing over”. Who gives a fuck about “crossing over”? What, am I making art or visiting the afterlife? It should have an emphasis on booking PoC bands that make music outside of R&B and hip hop. It’s like you have to have some element of those genres in your music for people to even look at you. Like if there is something, anything about you that is unfamiliar to them, you are not worth touching. That is bullshit. I’m tired of the disrespect and the marginalization and the having to behave like a panting housepet to get a fucking gig. It’s absurd. Especially when all these venues are smack dab in the middle of Black and Latino neighborhoods. Ironic, isn’t it? There was one venue where the website was all about “creating” with the “community” and there were all these smiling, happy Negroes and Latinos. I wrote and it was bullshit. Turns out I could play a gig there. If I shelled out about 500 bucks for the space. One other Black run venue in Clinton Hill actually asked me of upwards of 1000 to play. And wanted me to provide security. Why would I need to pay for security? I’ll let you simmer on that one for a bit.

In short, everyone is an idiot. Good day.

This is insane. And I am enraged.

Angry. Angry. That word. Am I supposed to fear it? That word is always thrown at me at opportune moments. I have detected, over the years, a pattern. When I behave in a way that you don’t expect. When I stand up for myself. When you are threatened by the fact that when you look at me, you don’t feel dominant or superior, you call me “angry”. But you don’t say it with fear. Not fear for your safety, at least. It leaves your lips with a “hisssss”. Then you sit back, satisfied. As though you have accomplished something. You are contented. Why?

When you are at the bottom of the sexual, racial and ethnic Western social hierarchy, as I am, you learn very quickly that EVERYONE depends on your staying at the bottom. It’s like a sick cheerleaders pyramid. When the ones kneeling on the bottom, with everyone’s weight on their backs, decide to stand up, what happens to the ones above them? Exactly.

It’s quite depressing to know that 90% of the people in the society in which you live depend on you feeling ashamed, inadequate, ugly, stupid and inept in order for them to feel confident and strong. To know that strangers have a vested interest in your failure … It just makes them feel good to think that at the end of the day, you’ve still amounted to nothing. That is my life. Fielding attacks for not being worthless. Being in a near constant state of defensiveness because I am not stupid or ugly or inept and refuse to pretend to be for others who aim to elevate themselves by standing upon my back.

I am Black. I am a woman. I am an African. AND YOU ARE NOT SUPERIOR TO ME. Why does that make you mad? Why does that make you want to attack? Why are you so fucked up and insane?

I started a new job and there is a young Black guy I work with. Black American men almost invariably react towards me in the same way. They are ALL suspicious of me and about 80% outright hostile on sight, making inane assumptions about my class and personality before I even open my mouth. I’m sure he did all of these things but fortunately was one of the 20% that was not hostile but friendly and conversational. That is until I was speaking to him and used the word “recalcitrant”. He made a joking comment about it being a “big word”, then let it go. Or so I thought, because within literally 45 SECONDS out of NOWHERE he made some flippant comment about something I said being “White people shit”. Now, I am used to this, but I am not in middle school or high school anymore and I have literally not had a Black person accuse me of “acting white” in over 10 years. I am a grown ass woman. I just refuse to deal with that garbage at this point in my life. So I just shut it down by saying “Well I am a Black person so I don’t even know what that means.” and left it at that.

This country is a fucking bitch.  Being talented and intelligent works against you if you are a Black woman. If you don’t have to deal with ignorant, inferiority complex having Black people who are on this “Blackpeepo d’on’ reed! Blackpeepo dondoodis! Lookatchu, uthinkuhighclass!” , etc. – Btw, why do so many Black people in this country believe that to be “authentically Black” means to be illiterate and lack the ability to speak your native language correctly? Because last time I checked, Black people were the only people in history who were threatened with torture and death if they learned how to read and write AND RISKED DEATH AND TAUGHT THEMSELVES HOW TO DO IT ANYWAY AND OPENED UP THEIR OWN SCHOOLS SO THEY COULD BE EDUCATED AND GRADUATED COLLEGE AND BECAME POETS AND DOCTORS AND LAWYERS BEFORE SLAVERY WAS EVEN OFFICIALLY ABOLISHED IN 1865 BUT MAYBE THAT NEVER HAPPENED OH OK MY BAD PLEASE PROCEED IN MISPRONOUNCING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

What a sista gotta to to operate with some standards in this country? CAN I EVEN FUCKING HAVE STANDARDS? IS THAT OK, FUCKWADS?

So as if dealing with crazy internalized white supremacist Black people isn’t enough, I have to deal with White supremacist white people as well. My generation has a new kind of White person to contend with, in addition to the old. They won’t openly hate you like their parents and grandparents. They smile at you and voted for Obama. They are the new breed of “OH BLACK PEOPLE I LIKE THOSE THEY HAVE COOL HAIR THEY ARE FINE AS LONG AS THEY ARE CLEAN AND USE FUNNY CATCHPHRASES AND DON’T KNOW THINGS THAT I DON’T KNOW AND CAN’T DO THINGS THAT I CAN’T DO AND BEHAVE AND DRESS EXACTLY THE WAY I SAY THEY SHOULD AND HAVE NO BOUNDARIES AND ALLOW ME TO TREAT THEM HOWEVER I CHOOSE AND OH YEAH I SHOULD ALSO HAVE FREE REIGN TO FUCK THEM AT WILL YEAH THOSE BLACKS ARE FINE WITH ME!”

So I am stuck in this No Woman’s Land between “Real Black people cain’t do shit” Black people who believe the White Supremacist hype and actually think their Blackness is a hindrance  and White people who are so racist yet try to pretend that they are not and have this unspoken “Stay in your place and we’re fine with you” reaction and both options are so gross to me and I decided in 2000 that I would not hang out with self hating indie negroes anymore because even though we have similar artistic tastes, lbr, that shit is just depressing and I refuse to be stuck in a room full of insecure Black people talking about how other Black people suck and White people are so much better while passing around photographs of their disrespectful and unattractive White bfs/gfs as though that’s “a step up” or something- Btw, if you are going to be a self hating poc and say “I only date White guys/gals, I hate [insert your own people here].” , can you please rescue a tenth of a degree of decency and at least date White people that are hot and awesome? PoC like that usually date seemingly just the worst, most bargain basement White people you can find. I would love for once to meet some Black person who is like “I only date White people, oh, btw, here comes my White s.o. now!” and out walks- no floats– this, like Goddess/Adonis with wit, intelligence, class and style and treats you like royalty and has, like, super bitchin’ hair, or something. Then I could be like, “Oh ok, point taken, good luck, enjoy smashing that, etc.” But it’s never like that. It’s always some gross ugly coked-up moronic douche/douchess. I’m like, “Oh ok thanks for that c u.”

I am ANGRY. I am angry that I am capable of so much but in one of the largest cities in the world, I feel like I have no options. No people. I have no people. Most people are cowards and the ones who have the fire and the passion are usually consumed and destroyed by it so they are not even of use to themselves let alone me. What use could I have for someone? Hm. It would be nice to exchange ideas with someone who is as unafraid as I am. Who makes up their own mind. Who doesn’t sit back and watch when they see someone unique and valuable; someone who is the first one there with an outstreched hand. Hello. Who are you? What do you think about all this shit and how quick can we take a couple sticks of dynamite to it?

Hello. What do you think?

What do you hate?

What do you love?

Can you love? More than you can hate? Do you?

Are you a coward or are you brave? Do you know the difference between being brave and being fearless? Which one are you?

Are you the same person at all times? Are you different people? Do you take responsibility for all of them? Do you know that if you don’t, you’re a coward?

What’s the point if you won’t come up with one?

I would love to meet someone as angry and passionate as I am. Someone who knows it’s their place to be so.

I have to get the fuck out of this town. Maybe you are afraid because you know I could rip you apart from the inside. I probably could. I know this. But who’s to say I will? Unless you expect to treat me in such a way that would earn such retribution. If that’s the case, then, yes, it would be in your best interest to stay away.

I’ve got an atom bomb in my head and in my chest. I have power. I am Black. I am a woman. I am an African. And I have power.

Why does that scare you? Oh yeah. The whole “bottom of the pyramid” thing. Gotcha.

The most surefire way to find yourself surrounded by weak people is to deny your own strength. That’s my line. You can have it. I’ve got plenty.