Dear Morrissey

Dear Morrissey,

I know your busy schedule of scowling at babies and glaring at others whilst exhaling deeply must be incredibly time consuming, but maybe you should take 5 and examine the subhuman atrocities that the English have and continue to commit against the rest of the world through colonialism/imperialism and the same structures of institutionalized racism that have raised you to believe that in your race, nationality and gender, you are superior enough to publicly declare an entire people as less than human. Ironically, for the mistreatment of animals, who happen to be just that.

One of the many ways I differ from you is that in addition to loathing the abuse of animals, I also find it quite loathsome when human beings are enslaved, beaten, shot, raped, beheaded, quartered, stretched, impaled, disemboweled, flayed, boiled in oil, castrated, burned at the stake or whatever unfathomable barbaric treatment to which the English have subjected any humans who dare challenge the omnipotence of the “great” British Empire or any “God” they decided the rest of the world must worship, most often against their will. Or is abuse of power and the brutal extinguishing of a life only unacceptable to you when the perpetrators are not Anglo? Or only when the tortured are not human?

Maybe you should evaluate whether your own “English heart” should qualify as belonging to the human race before you go questioning another’s place as a part of the species. Because if you can judge a people by the actions of those in power over them, you might as well just sashay right alongside the Chinese back into the primordial ooze, for your hands drip with blood just as theirs.

With utter disgust,

Iféoluwa B.


As I stand here, having been giving this a go for about 3 years now, I can honestly say it’s harder being a woman than being Black when it comes to doing what I do. I feel like though it still might suck being a Black man making rock music in this city sometimes, much of the “wtf” moments I’ve had have come from dealing with men who have no clue how to deal with a woman as an equal. They just expect you to not be good or to not know what the fuck you’re doing or to just generally put up with their shit. There was a sound guy at a very popular Brooklyn venue that was known for simply HATING women. Every female musician that played there said he was an absolute demon when it came to them, going as far as making some of the more sensitive ones burst into tears because he was so awful. So if it’s not the sound guy being a dick or the booker being a dick or the guy at the bar being a dick, it’s the people in your band being dicks. Which happens to everyone but not for the same reasons that it would happen to a woman. And anything racial you experience will be amplified as well because they feel that they can get away with more because you’re a woman and you’re more likely to just take it rather than shank them in the kidneys (they’ve obviously got the wrong woman).

And then there’s the audience. I’ve been fascinated by a couple of male musicians in particular who have incredibly sexually charged images but flip the fuck out when they are objectified sexually. The first is D’Angelo. Everyone remembers his nekkid ass video and song. It was a great nekkid ass video and song, no mistake, but afterwards he says that the people coming to his shows changed from people who wanted to hear his music to people who just wanted him to take off his shirt. And it made him so uncomfortable that he had to basically question his desire to keep making and performing music. What? So you make a nekkid ass video, people appreciate your nekkid ass, and you resent it so greatly that you flip out and stop making music for like a million years? I may be oversimplifying the situation; I have no clue what is going on in his life, but the fact that he reacted so strongly and with such disdain to something that every woman on the planet deals with whether you are a waitress in a dive or Secretary of State just makes me laugh and proves that a man could never cut it as a woman. At least they waited for you to even take off your clothes before they objectify you. I’ve been catcalled in a fucking Stay-Puff Marshmallow man looking winter coat out in snowstorms. I mean, nothing is showing except my EYES. But the simple possibility that I MIGHT be female underneath 30 layers of wool gives some men the divine right to be lascivious assholes about it.

Then there’s Patrick Wolf who got catcalled at a gig and flipped the fuck out over it. I mean frankly if someone yelled “Show us your cock” at a dude at a gig I’d laugh. What sort of objectification and sexual oppression have you dealt with in your life as a man that would make you so bitter about being found sexually attracticve by a stranger? I think some men flip out over these situations because in these situations, they are not the ones in control. They are not controlling the way they are perceived. They are objects. And men are raised to think that control over everything at all times is not only possible, but it’s a birthright afforded to them in conjunction with a penis. And men are also raised to expect sexual control above all. They are predators, we are prey. They are the aggressors, we are sexually passive. So when those roles are reversed, they start crying.

It would be great if I could choose when I want to be sexualized and when I want to be appreciated for my mind or my art. It would be great if the fact that many people don’t give a shit about what comes out of my mouth and would rather I just shut up and “take it off” were so shocking that I could actually become enraged about it. But that is not the case. That just goes along with being female. I WANT men to be sexualized more in the media. It SHOULD be normalized. Men benefit from sexual attractiveness the same way women do. But for some reason, with men it’s played down because it’s “demeaning”. And with women, it’s pretty much expected for you to exploit your sexuality for gain. And if you don’t, it’s either because you’re a prude or a dyke.

I mean, if Marlon Brando looked like a foot, would he still be legendary? Yes he was a revolutionary actor, but you’re delusional if you don’t think his intensity and sexual power had anything to do with his screen appeal. A Streetcar Named Desire is one of my favorite movies. And his acting is only one of the reasons why. Goddayum…

Oh but asserting that such a male LEGEND in some way was helped to that status by his looks is blasphemous. But Audrey Hepburn is worshipped as a legendary actress and in my opinion wasn’t really any good at the profession she is known for. But she was cute and skinny and pretty. So that’s okay. I mean, Jesus, give me Lauren Bacall over her any day.

This is getting really long but I have TONS to say on this subject. Oh! And another fascinating phenomenon to dissect: Megan Fox. Oh my God. How young women HATE her. Like visceral, vitriolic, bile fuelled internet rants that you almost black out from the intensity of. I don’t understand. It’s like she’s the first young actress ever used for T&A in movies. But I’ve actually seen girls say that she alone is setting the women’s movement back a century. And that she’s a whore and a slut and should be burned at the stake. Frankly, it’s not that serious. You know why I like her? Because she’s self aware. She knows she’s hot and that it get’s her roles. So? Isn’t that her choice? No one is saying you have to do the same. I can’t think of a woman that is overtly sexual that isn’t vilified in some way. But I can think of many male actors and musicians who’ll fuck anything that moves and arent the best at what they do but aren’t called pathetic sluts who should burn in hell.

I don’t know I think the hate of her shows an unhealthy sickness that women have. And it’s all been learned from men. And perpetuated amongst ourselves. So to make that process a tad easier, I would like to relay to you, based solely upon my experiences in this world for the past quarter of a century or so, 

1. Don’t even bother.
2. No really, don’t.
3. Seriously, I’m not kidding.
4. Ok. Well if you must…
5. Do things, but not well. It will make your efforts look “cute”. And men dig that. Therefore you will get laid.
6. When you get laid, pretend that you didn’t want to at first. Because then you won’t look like a whore. Whores have sex and like it. You’re not one of those, are you? Of course not. You’re so cute!
7. Confidence is for men. If you are confident, make sure you are hot. Because people will assume that is where you’re confidence stems from anyway. So if you are not hot, they will say “Who does she think she is? She’s not hot enough to be that full of herself”. 
8. If you are hot, don’t be confident. Not only is confidence not for women, it especially not for HOT women. Hot women are to be used. And when not in use, put on display. Kind of like drapes or a nice sofa. If you happen to be a hot woman and you have the gall to display confidence or any level of self-possession, wear a helmet. And maybe a bullet proof vest.
9. Agree with everyone about everything. At all times. Opinions are for bitches. And you’re a nice girl, right?
10. If you do happen to get angry at any of the 5,000 years of bullshit that’s being shoveled upon you, swallow it. Or better yet, turn it into self-loathing! Yeah! Better that than becoming a feminist or something. What are you, a lesbian?
11. Shave every hair on your body. You look like a lesbian.
12. Don’t cut your hair. You’ll look like a lesbian.
13. Wow. You’re so funny and smart! But you’re not ugly. How can that b- oh, lesbian.
14. Don’t be assertive. That’s for bitches. And lesbians.
15. Men are really insecure. They know it, we know it. So the best thing you can do is coddle them. Depend on them. If they want to feel strong, pretend to be weaker. If they want to seem smart, pretend to be dumber. If your efforts to appear utterly ineffectual are not succesful and you do end up threatening their self image anyway, try harder. This mantra will help “I’m a woman, it’s all my fault. I’m a woman, it’s all my fault…”
16. If you follow all these rules, you might one day get married. Which is great, because then your entire existence won’t have been a fucking waste of oxygen.
17. Don’t get fat. Unless you’re a lesbian.
18. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Wait, you are hot, right? And you’ll do it in front of guys, right? Yeah? Great! Score!
19. Women are competition. No matter what. See her? She thinks she’s prettier than you. And she wants your man. You’re not gonna let her get away with that, are you? Of course not, the ugly whore!
20. Enjoy being a woman. It’s a beautiful sisterhood! *purges on cupcakes, then induces vomiting and weeps. in the dark. while texting rumours about that whore who looked at my boyfriend*

I think that about sums it up. If I’ve missed any, feel free to add your own.

I don’t hate men and I don’t hate women. Ok, I kinda hate men but I also know that there are incredibly beautiful men out there who do see women as equal in capability and humanity. But just because there are some good ones doesn’t mean the bad ones get a free pass. There is just so much ugliness between men and women. So much that it’s described as a war. And any war has casualties and the state I see most young women in…it’s awful. And pretending that it’s ok or just a part of life won’t make it go away. Same with race. It’s all just bullshit. Fucking bullshit. Anyways I gotta go to work.

A manifesto of sorts

God I am so disappointed in everyone. Can’t I have a hero? Why’ve you gotta fuck it up?…

It makes me wonder what these people are responsible for. These actors and musicians. An actor is different. I don’t have to know anything about you. I don’t have to care about you. It’s what you do after they say “action” that makes you someone to take notice of or not. But with music, you give of yourself. It’s a part of you, isn’t it? So how can I like your music but hate you? And if I think you’re a cunt, should I burn all your records? I own Desertshore. granted I bought it before I found out that Nico was a monstrous junkie twat. But I kept it and still listen to music she is a part of. I made that decision. But what am I supporting?

I resent that I am put into that position where I have to fucking delve into the past and practically become a private detective whenever I discover a new band or artist I like. Or maybe I am just taking it way too seriously. People who make movies and music are fucked up. I mean, as long as you are not a fucking child rapist like Polanski I mean who gives a fuck what you do?

I do. God forbid I champion a sexist or a racist. I don’t know what to do about Bad Brains’ homophobia. I mean if a person’s just a twat, well that’s one thing. I can just listen to records and pray that the person who makes them never opens their mouth within earshot. But when it comes to things that I find fucking morally reprehensible…who’s responsibility is that? Especially these older acts…what if they were alcoholic wife beaters or racists or whatever? Should I still care? I’d like to see Nico come at me with a broken bottle now, the creep. But does it invalidate good music?

Is it my responsibility to walk the straight and narrow in public like mainstream acts do, desperately? Should I not swear and call people twats and smile more and “network” and all that nauseating shit? Why? Maybe I’m an asshole. Does that have anything to do with my music?

I really don’t know. We love thse artists. Like, LOVE them. Sometimes they are the only people we care about. The only people that understand. The only people that can make us feel…anything. They are gods and godesses, right? So if they fall from grace in our eyes, should they be held accountable? Or is admiring a rock star sort of like an ornery senior citizen yelling at the t.v. set?

I think about this because I intend to do this professionally. But where do I stop and where does the creation begin? Do I give of myself and take the responsibility? Or do I corner myself off, give you what you need to see, be elevated, then feel free to take a big shit on the top of your head?

I am no God. I am ridiculous. I know this. But why can’t I say it? Why can’t I wear my ratty jeans and not make eye contact and sing these beautiful songs that blow your fucking soul wide open then go home and eat a sandwich and go to sleep? Why do I have to put on a fucking act and namedrop and take pictures and look ridiculous trying to get you to believe that I am not ridiculous? Which I am?

I make music for people who see the infinite in flesh and bone. You don’t have to be spectacular to create spectacular things. I don’t wear leather pants or sequins. God help me if I ever do.

I’m just tired of having to keep up appearances. I don’t want to be what you think I have to be. I want to be who I am.

I’m going my way. Follow if you’d like.

Lets all be thieves

What is it that makes the past so much more interesting? What has the future brought us? We’re not smarter. Not kinder. Hell we don’t even dress better. Everyone that dresses well nowadays looks like someone that came before. I am of the belief that everything great already happened. But we’re just too egomaniacal to admit it and we think we’re “evolving”…no we’re not. Everything I say, someone’s already probably thought. The music I make, I steal. The styles I love, I steal. The stories I write, are just other’s experiences I’ve adapted. And everything on this planet is so universal. Everyone knows what a smile means. Or cocking your head questioningly to the side…but we’re all to good to be thieves. Right? You were the first. Right? Just a bunch of Columbuses “discovering” America…I think if we all just admitted we were thieves, it would free us up and in turn make us more creative. I’ve sat down with a blatant goal of writing a song like Bob Dylan. Or Sam Cooke. And you know what? It’s never worked. Cuz I’m not them. But what I’ve come up with is something neither of them have ever written. And that’s good enough. If you repeat someone’s words, it’s still going to be in your own voice. That’s why everyone sounds/looks/thinks alike nowadays. Because no one’s using their own voice. Everyone’s afraid to. So they’re all just a bunch of corpse impersonators. It’s just as entertaining as it sounds.

So lets all be thieves. I mean, we could read 5 books a day and listen to 100 records a week. Watch 300 films a year and travel the world looking at every painting/sculpture that’s ever been created. And we’d still die without an original thought in our head. But it’s all about mixing colors. If your favorite artist uses red exclusively and you decide to do the same, well your source is obvious and your execution not very imaginative. But if you have two favorite artists and one uses red while the other uses white, and you copy them both, your art will have hints of each but be in a completely different hue.

I’m too big a fan of art to look down upon stealing it. If you don’t consume, you can’t create. Every teacher was once a student…nothing wrong with it so long as you respect where you came from. And god that ol’ gray and crackle moves me every time.

*sigh* Imus…let me spell it out for the fucktards…

So I’ve been watching this circus and it has ended with Imus being terminated “effective immediately”. Good. No one should be paid to be a racist asshole. But there has been one argument I’ve heard over and over: “Well how come white people can’t call black people n—ers and hos and those black rappers can?” So I just have one question for white people: Why do you even want to? Because a black person has done it? And you don’t want to miss out on how fun it is degrading Black people?

Is it really that hard for you to understand? Those women were going about their lives. They were in school, on a sports team, made it to the final 4 and were damn happy about it. And they couldn’t even enjoy it for 30 seconds before some white guy comes around and smacks them “back in their place”. White people don’t understand because to them being an individual is understood and taken for granted. You are responsible for your own actions and you are judged by your own actions. Case in point: I have never met Paris Hilton. I have never met Lindsay Lohan. I have never met Britney Spears. But in the course of a year, I have discovered what all three of their labia look like. I would rather not have that knowledge but I do. And so does most of the world. The most famous young white women right now are, for all intents and purposes, coked up anorexic hos. But has anyone made the connection: white woman= drug addled ho with an eating disorder? No, because that would be silly. Just because Anna Nicole was photographed nude and took drugs and lohan, spears, and Hilton have and a lot of other white women do does not mean they ALL do. Common sense right? Sure, if you’re white. But if you’re not, all of a sudden, you are responsible and should suffer for the actions of those that share your color. So because some rapper who is black had some naked dancing strippers in his video who were black and called them hos, then that means that all black people refer to all black women as hos and we all love it and have no problem with it but just get mad at being called such things to get back at whitey and ruin his fun. Riiight. Are you serious?

Newsflash, black men are MEN who are black. And if you haven’t noticed, men of all colors tend to be fucking arrogant, macho, misogynistic assholes. So they, like a lot of men of all colors, believe that the more women you have sex with and the louder you talk about it, the more of a man you are. So they make a video and say, “oh I want naked dancing girls in it”, call them hos, and wrap for the day. Are they the first men to have naked dancing girls in their videos and have degrading lyrics in their songs about them? White men have never done that? They do the same things that most men in popular music do. Degrade and objectify women. Why bring their race into it? Rap is only about as old as I am. When did it become the sole signifying representation of all black people in the world ever? So before 1979 Black people just sat around staring at each other? We had no identity? These mainstream rappers are just dim-witted, insecure pawns for the racist label heads that make the real money and the suburban white teenagers who buy over 80% of rap records in the United States anyway. And I didn’t make that number up. That is a truthful figure. So why should black women in general suffer for what a few sexist black guys decide to say and do in a video? What the hell does that have to do with me? What did it have to do with those girls? Because some self-hating Black guys sold their soul to make music for young white suburbanites who think that being shot and poor with a 5th grade education is “cool” and “gangsta”, it should be okay to denigrate me? Really? Is that the deal I have going with the rest of the world as a Black woman?

Women of color are reared in a culture of white men who were raised to believe that white women are for dating and marrying and non-white women are for fetishizing and fucking. But only behind closed doors, of course. This is a country where within the previous century it was actually thought that it was impossible for a Black woman to be raped because we were naturally so “highly-sexed”. That is the context in which we are viewing Imus’ words. That is the society we exist within. Imus’ slurs were race specific. In his mind, he saw black women and immediately went “nappy headed ho” and “jigaboo”. But I shouldn’t be offended and he was just kidding? Fuck off. I mean is that what white people want? To be able to say shit like that about other people and have them be so broken down and used to it that we don’t even protest anymore?

When I was a teenager, I used to be a Lenny Bruce fan. Then I saw the movie Lenny. Mostly because of Dustin Hoffman. Who’s fucking incredible. So I was like “hey two awesome people. can’t lose.” I got as far as halfway through the movie before they got to Bruce’s famous N-word routine. Basically, in his warped white male mind, the problem isn’t that the word is so hateful and vile and atrocious and represents the torture and murder of Black people for literally CENTURIES; the problem is that Black people are just too dern SENSITIVE about the whole thing. And the rest of the world helps that by making the word taboo. So basically we should use the word as much as humanly possible to “strip the word of its power” and rid the world of racism. I hated him after that. And I couldn’t watch Dustin Hoffman in anything for a long while. I still to this day have never finished the movie and I have no desire to.

It’s so easy it seems for white people to give non-white people advice about dealing with racism. It’s funny how it’s always our fault for being offended, not yours for being hateful and ignorant. So the cure for racism is not for white people to just stop disrespecting and discriminating, torturing and murdering others for not being white, the cure is for non-white people to just not take offense to it. Okay. So why stop there? Lenny Bruce said that if we use the word incessantly, soon there won’t be some Black kid coming home from school crying because some white kid called him that name. So maybe white people should start using that logic with their kids. If your kid isn’t a good reader and the kids call him stupid, don’t teach him to stand up for himself and not tolerate being mistreated. Just tell his teachers to call him stupid. His siblings. Hell, you can join in. Then after awhile, he’ll become so used to the fact that everyone thinks he’s an idiot that it wont even faze him anymore. The word “stupid” will be *~*~stripped of it’s powers~*~* Same with fatties. Your kid’s a fatty? Well don’t even call him by his name. Try lard-ass. By the time he’s 10, He’ll be filled with pride. And hey, white adults, your husband hit you? Don’t get mad, get the shit beat out of you so often, you don’t even feel it anymore. And hail the end of domestic violence. White guy, your gf shits on you and bangs all your friends? Don’t be so SENSITIVE. Learn to deal. Being royally fucked over is a part of life. Your only defense is to shut up and get used to it. What? Not appealing? Well that’s funny considering it’s so easy for white people to tell non-white people that they should lead such a fucking pathetic existence being the silent butt boys and girls for evil, self-aggrandizing assholes with an inferiority complex coupled with out of control feelings of entitlement.

If you want to be a racist, be a racist. Just don’t expect me to shut up about the fact that I think you’re a pathetic asshole who should rot in hell. And if you work for a multi billion-dollar corporation with sponsors up the wazoo, don’t be a racist on air. Cuz you could get fired. Keep it for after work and office meetings like you usually do. I mean really, let’s cut the crap – if you really believe Imus was fired for being racist rather than for fucking with Les Moonves’ wallet, you are surely deluded. They were under pressure, they lost HUGE sponsors, there were protests, TONS of press…it didn’t look good for CBS’s rep. You don’t get canned for being a racist. If that were true, 99% of the entertainment industry would be out of a job. You get canned for fucking with white people’s money. Imus’ fucked with a big white guy’s cash flow. And he got what was coming to him. Deal.

There are double standards in this world because IT IS AN UNFAIR WORLD. People benefit because they are white and male and rich and people suffer because they are not white and not male and are poor. I don’t mock the homeless with wads of cash, I don’t moonwalk past paralyzed individuals, men should not hit women, and white people should not use the n-word and call innocent black women out of their name. We are not handicapped but this world is not made for us to flourish and feel beautiful and proud. It is made for us to feel ashamed that we were not born looking like you. Why would you want to bask in that? Flaunt that? Be proud and nonchalant and unapologetic about that? White people, you are the only group of people IN THE ENTIRE WORLD who have the “luxury” of being judged by who you are individually. So take advantage of it, stop being whiney hateful bitches and actually accept your responsibility for the things you think, say and feel. It’s not “that Black rapper’s fault” if you choose to be racist and use slurs. IT’S YOURS. So ask yourself, why do I need to say these things? Why do I need it to be okay to say these words and put down these people? If you are white and you really can’t understand why your using racial slurs against others WILL NEVER BE OKAY, then I guess you are just not fit to live in the world with human beings. So just fuck off to a red state, buy a big mac, put on your God hates fags t-shirt and swallow your deer-hunting rifle. And while you’re at it, you can take those mainstream, corporate house slave rappers with you. You deserve each other.

Don’t be a slut. Jesus says.

I really don’t want to be another snarky irreverent 20 something who mocks Christianity but this is why I am agnostic and Christians frighten me. They do. I’m sorry. I’ve been in situations where I am talking to a person and they seem really cool and funny but then there’ll be a change in convo and the phrase “I try to live a life without sin” will be used and my eyes will glaze over and my mouth will hang open and…I’ll just have to leave. Have you ever spoken to a young Christian girl? It’s the saddest thing I have ever seen. Just verbal regurgitation. They believe because they are told to. They are young, what else are they going to do. Not everyone feels the need to question. Actually life’s a lot safer that way. And they are always dressed like something out of Penthouse but then manage to drive home their “morals”. What does that mean? Cuz you don’t bang your boyfriend you just give him oral? Jesus allows for loopholes? What? Huh? What?

If you believe that sex before marriage is a sin, okay. If you believe that your untarnished vagina is the greatest gift you as a woman could ever give to a man, fine. If you let him put it anywhere but “there” in order to ensure your seat next to J-Chrizzy, that’s wonderful. But why oh why the condemnation of everyone who doesn’t feel the same? Have you ever been called a sinner by a Christian? It’s like literally arguing with a baby. You say “Well that isn’t very productive or inclusive and respectful of all the different outlooks and perspectives inevitably present in the diversity of human existence. So while I respect your conviction and passion you display behind your beliefs, you also have to accept that no one has the obligation to live THEIR lives in the way YOU see fit.” Then the baby goes “JHGYUYSPLAAGH! GAMMASPLAA! GAMMASPLACKKAAAAAH!” and then poops or something. And then you stare at each other. And either stick around to clean up the mess when you know there’s an endless supply just waiting to be unleashed or realize that this mofo ain’t yours to clean up after and just walk away.

I went to a Lutheran school where we wore uniforms and went to service and got crosses on our foreheads on ash wednesday and it was the most harrowing, horrifying, eye opening “drive-you-into-the-arms-of-the-dark-lord-himself” experience anyone under the age of 10 should have to endure. I saw religion as a tool people used to hit you with rulers and yell at you and wield their power over you and condemn you to the fiery flames of Hades if you didn’t do what they said exactly when and how they said it. I respect Jesus. And I used to wear a cross to celebrate him. Not any particular religion. But just him. Jesus. The man. Not Jesus Christ. That…I don’t know who that is. It’s this key-less cipher for everyone’s egocentric/ethnocentric expressions of intolerance, anger and bloodlust. Jesus the man, however, was pretty amazing. He was just this dude who believed that he was the saviour, you know. And everyone thought he was nutso and stuff. And he hated what the Roman church was doing and how all the priests and elders were livin it up with bling out the ass hardcore and picking and choosing who was worthy enough to worship and be loved by God. And Jesus was all, “hells naw. this shit is so busted. God belongs to everyone. That relationship doesn’t go through you. Each one of us has a direct relationship with the Almighty. No matter if we are rich, poor, prostitutes or lepers or women on their periods (cuz they were seen to be Unclean during those few days and the church was like, nah. Keep that shit outside biatch and come back in a week and Jesus was all like, “hells to the no”) And anyways it was written or whatever that the saviour will ride into town on a donkey or something and so Jesus rode on into town and vowed to put an end to the madness of Rome and all the crazy sinners cuz the end was nigh and they was all “oh you think so, huh?” and he was all “What, bitch, did I stutter? You see the donkey I rode in on. Romans betta recognize.” And so long story short, persecution, persecution, murder, death, entombment. Then somewhere along the line these chicks went to his tomb and saw he wasn’t there and were all “WTF?” and decided that he had come back to life and then 2000 years of insanity, death, murder and people stoning women to death in the name of virtue and Jesucristo ensue. Frankly they lost me when they started the whole Christ thing. But I think Jesus the man is an amazing model to follow. He wasn’t all about ego or worship. He didn’t want to be worshipped. He wanted people to see that God was everywhere and was theirs to discover. He knew who he was. He believed in who he was, and he died for who he was. But guess what, the mofo pretty much put the final nail in the coffin of the Western Roman empire. Like he said he would. That’s gotta count for something.

So from this man who was all about love, we get a culture steeped in fear. Don’t fuck or you’ll go to hell. Don’t lust or you’ll go to hell. Don’t steal cuz you’ll go to hell. Don’t covet cuz you’ll go to hell. I mean is there any space left in hell? If all that shit is true, I’ll see you bitches on the hot plate, that’s for damn sure.

I’d rather be caught in a dark alley with someone who does good because it is within them to do so rather than someone who does good only when they’re afraid of getting caught.

So if you want to taint your vagina, go ahead. If you want to shine it up nice and pretty for the old man, that’s fine too. But at least just have some fucking self respect about it. Do what you want and have confidence in that. Jesus. I mean it’s your freaking vag. If there ever is a young heterosexual woman in the world who owns their sexuality and knows the difference between expressing sexuality and expressing THEIR sexuality and realizes that you don’t have to be naked and bent over for either, I’ll fucking go into anaphylactic shock. And if you tell a guy you’re a virgin and he gets all hot and bothered and like, super into you, run. Run like a thief in the night.

Oh and just to be fair, I should point out that I think atheists are annoying as well. They’re just lazy and egomaniacal and sit around bitching about life and quoting Nietzsche. Shit happens. Really awful shit. Smell a fucking flower and get over it. If you ever make out with a horse, go insane and die in an asylum, then maybe I’ll hear your tune. But ’til then, it’s really not that fucking serious. Jesucristo…


Gwyneth Paltrow has joined The Village People

"Liek omg, I'm, like, totally African see my totally, like African beads and stuff and how like, I totally painted stripes on my face? Like, totally help AIDS, you guys, k? Cheerio!"- G-Po

After flying into a bilious rage I finally squelched my fury long enough to effectively operate a keyboard. This misguided high and mighty Western shit has really GOT TO STOP. I seriously cannot escape. How can I live in a society where that ad is ok? And I read that there are more ads with more people who should know better. David Bowie and Iman for a couple. I heard Seal and Heidi Klum did some too. And some completely random people who are ALL rich and ALL White. I fail to see the point. I fail to see how people can put these things together with a straight face. First Live 8, now this?

I’ve seen people say “how is that offensive?” Well, you should know that you are incredibly ignorant or just brainwashed. Why doesn’t she do an “I AM ITALIAN” ad with her hair slicked back while eating a bowl of spaghetti in order to put an end to gun violence and organized crime? Or maybe her English husband should do an “I AM IRISH” ad shitfaced drunk holding a potato to stop IRA bombings? I mean how many offensive, groundless images and stereotypes can you pack into one ad? And the person they chose…the WASP-iest American you could ever fathom. To say what? “Oh I know you didn’t care before about Africa what with it being a bunch of naked Blacks with their drums and big lips but lookit, what if it were ME? I mean yeah they wear beads and turquoise lines on their faces but srsly they’re like, totally like us.” Ooh, profound. Btw, can someone tell me what the hell “African” that is supposed to represent? I mean everyone knows most African countries’ eye stripes are a glittery magenta…If you have to imagine someone is rich pretty and white in order to give a shit about whether they live or die…well you are truly one fucked up individual. And one ad with a pretentious, sheltered starlet who is completely detached from reality isn’t going to change that.

And now, my open letter to G-Piddy:

Dear Gwynnie,

I just saw your horrific ad and I wanted to make some clear points to you that I’m sure you will treasure and take to heart.

1- Dressing up like a member of The Village People does not make you an African. Oh, and we do, sometimes, wear shirts.

2- AIDS DOES NOT EQUAL AFRICA. Last time I checked, the country with the most AIDS cases was India. But maybe you were still in hair and makeup and missed that little fact.

3-AFRICA DOES NOT EQUAL POOR. Gold. Oil. Sugar. Vanilla. Diamonds. Silver. Rubber. Basically every profitable natural resource utilized by the Western world comes out of that continent. Which explains why there is such a vested interest in it. If Africa was so poor, disease ridden and horrible, why are there so many white people slitting the throats of Black people to live there? And profit off of it? Money makes the world go ’round. Pharmaceutical companies make drugs. They need people to buy those drugs. When people buy those drugs, they make money. If nobody buys the drugs, some very rich evil people become quite perturbed. Maybe the caption should have just read, “There are not enough people to push all these drugs on in America so why don’t we just dump them on Africans. I mean, what are they gonna do about it? We get paid, they aid our research, we look like philanthropists, they drop dead.” Seems to be a familiar refrain. It’s basically a modern day Tuskegee. Way to do your research before you put your face on something! Whoo hoo!

4-Sheltered people who spend their entire lives in Hollywood living existences experienced by about .1 percent of the human population should quite often sit down and shut the fuck up.

And most importantly, 5- If you want to “help Africans”, start treating them like actual people and not just photo opps, ad campaigns and charity cases. If someone trips, you don’t call a camera crew before you help them up.

Hearts and Third World Kisses,

Oh and if any of you reading this want to help an African, I accept money orders and Paypal, kthx…