Don’t be a slut. Jesus says.

I really don’t want to be another snarky irreverent 20 something who mocks Christianity but this is why I am agnostic and Christians frighten me. They do. I’m sorry. I’ve been in situations where I am talking to a person and they seem really cool and funny but then there’ll be a change in convo and the phrase “I try to live a life without sin” will be used and my eyes will glaze over and my mouth will hang open and…I’ll just have to leave. Have you ever spoken to a young Christian girl? It’s the saddest thing I have ever seen. Just verbal regurgitation. They believe because they are told to. They are young, what else are they going to do. Not everyone feels the need to question. Actually life’s a lot safer that way. And they are always dressed like something out of Penthouse but then manage to drive home their “morals”. What does that mean? Cuz you don’t bang your boyfriend you just give him oral? Jesus allows for loopholes? What? Huh? What?

If you believe that sex before marriage is a sin, okay. If you believe that your untarnished vagina is the greatest gift you as a woman could ever give to a man, fine. If you let him put it anywhere but “there” in order to ensure your seat next to J-Chrizzy, that’s wonderful. But why oh why the condemnation of everyone who doesn’t feel the same? Have you ever been called a sinner by a Christian? It’s like literally arguing with a baby. You say “Well that isn’t very productive or inclusive and respectful of all the different outlooks and perspectives inevitably present in the diversity of human existence. So while I respect your conviction and passion you display behind your beliefs, you also have to accept that no one has the obligation to live THEIR lives in the way YOU see fit.” Then the baby goes “JHGYUYSPLAAGH! GAMMASPLAA! GAMMASPLACKKAAAAAH!” and then poops or something. And then you stare at each other. And either stick around to clean up the mess when you know there’s an endless supply just waiting to be unleashed or realize that this mofo ain’t yours to clean up after and just walk away.

I went to a Lutheran school where we wore uniforms and went to service and got crosses on our foreheads on ash wednesday and it was the most harrowing, horrifying, eye opening “drive-you-into-the-arms-of-the-dark-lord-himself” experience anyone under the age of 10 should have to endure. I saw religion as a tool people used to hit you with rulers and yell at you and wield their power over you and condemn you to the fiery flames of Hades if you didn’t do what they said exactly when and how they said it. I respect Jesus. And I used to wear a cross to celebrate him. Not any particular religion. But just him. Jesus. The man. Not Jesus Christ. That…I don’t know who that is. It’s this key-less cipher for everyone’s egocentric/ethnocentric expressions of intolerance, anger and bloodlust. Jesus the man, however, was pretty amazing. He was just this dude who believed that he was the saviour, you know. And everyone thought he was nutso and stuff. And he hated what the Roman church was doing and how all the priests and elders were livin it up with bling out the ass hardcore and picking and choosing who was worthy enough to worship and be loved by God. And Jesus was all, “hells naw. this shit is so busted. God belongs to everyone. That relationship doesn’t go through you. Each one of us has a direct relationship with the Almighty. No matter if we are rich, poor, prostitutes or lepers or women on their periods (cuz they were seen to be Unclean during those few days and the church was like, nah. Keep that shit outside biatch and come back in a week and Jesus was all like, “hells to the no”) And anyways it was written or whatever that the saviour will ride into town on a donkey or something and so Jesus rode on into town and vowed to put an end to the madness of Rome and all the crazy sinners cuz the end was nigh and they was all “oh you think so, huh?” and he was all “What, bitch, did I stutter? You see the donkey I rode in on. Romans betta recognize.” And so long story short, persecution, persecution, murder, death, entombment. Then somewhere along the line these chicks went to his tomb and saw he wasn’t there and were all “WTF?” and decided that he had come back to life and then 2000 years of insanity, death, murder and people stoning women to death in the name of virtue and Jesucristo ensue. Frankly they lost me when they started the whole Christ thing. But I think Jesus the man is an amazing model to follow. He wasn’t all about ego or worship. He didn’t want to be worshipped. He wanted people to see that God was everywhere and was theirs to discover. He knew who he was. He believed in who he was, and he died for who he was. But guess what, the mofo pretty much put the final nail in the coffin of the Western Roman empire. Like he said he would. That’s gotta count for something.

So from this man who was all about love, we get a culture steeped in fear. Don’t fuck or you’ll go to hell. Don’t lust or you’ll go to hell. Don’t steal cuz you’ll go to hell. Don’t covet cuz you’ll go to hell. I mean is there any space left in hell? If all that shit is true, I’ll see you bitches on the hot plate, that’s for damn sure.

I’d rather be caught in a dark alley with someone who does good because it is within them to do so rather than someone who does good only when they’re afraid of getting caught.

So if you want to taint your vagina, go ahead. If you want to shine it up nice and pretty for the old man, that’s fine too. But at least just have some fucking self respect about it. Do what you want and have confidence in that. Jesus. I mean it’s your freaking vag. If there ever is a young heterosexual woman in the world who owns their sexuality and knows the difference between expressing sexuality and expressing THEIR sexuality and realizes that you don’t have to be naked and bent over for either, I’ll fucking go into anaphylactic shock. And if you tell a guy you’re a virgin and he gets all hot and bothered and like, super into you, run. Run like a thief in the night.

Oh and just to be fair, I should point out that I think atheists are annoying as well. They’re just lazy and egomaniacal and sit around bitching about life and quoting Nietzsche. Shit happens. Really awful shit. Smell a fucking flower and get over it. If you ever make out with a horse, go insane and die in an asylum, then maybe I’ll hear your tune. But ’til then, it’s really not that fucking serious. Jesucristo…