I’m Black and I’m a Rock Musician. WTF Do I Do?

I really am not sure. I know I should just keep making music, and I will, but to what end? To be an addendum; tacked on after I’m dead? I have never been the type to settle for less than what I deserve, but this is a beast that I honestly do not understand. White culture and the way White people see things is not the default perspective. It is incomplete, distorted, and wholly irrational. Yet I, who is normal, am supposed to see things as they do, which is not normal and I don’t want to, but also, I just can’t. I don’t understand it. I don’t know how you can look at people and really believe that they have no right to surpass you, and if they are capable of doing so, you sabotage and erase them. You Tonya Harding the shit out of them, then just pretend you are the best, and they don’t exist. That is so fucked up but it took me so long to even realize that it was happening. Since it is not in my nature to be a hating ass bitch, I didn’t assume it was a norm for other people. We all think everyone thinks the same as we do. That’s why good hearted people tend to get fucked over and liars and cheaters are always suspicious that everyone is lying and cheating them. I am just now realizing that for me, as a rock musician, being exceptional is an obstacle. It is an obstacle for Black rock musicians in general, because we are trying to break through in a White space where it makes them insecure and angry if they cannot feel better than us.

The Black bands that get the most press are not the best. And I would always wonder why that is. It didn’t make sense. Same with white female bands. I would often get excited when there was a new female band getting hyped up. They were always white but whatever, at least they were women. I would pray their stuff would be better than mine. Just to have some competition. But they were always derivative and mediocre. I’m like, Why? Why is this the best female band you can find?

They’re not the best band. That is why they are not threatening. The men they deal with know they will never be bigger or better than them. They also “kiss the ring” and don’t challenge. That’s why they are chosen. And it is the same with Black bands. If white people feel that you could be bigger than them, they blank you. White women AND White men do this. I spent my entire 20s playing “Queer, feminist spaces” that were racist as fuck. You can’t be better than White people. You can’t be better than men. That’s the rule. That’s the law. And if anyone looks at you and feels that you can be, well, there go your kneecaps …

People need African women to be a permanent underclass. Whenever they catch a glimpse of you, they need to feel they are better in comparison to you. That’s why people will watch a 3 hour BBC documentary about African women being raped and having their genitals mutilated, but they would never watch a middle class African women led rom-com, action movie, or family drama. People need to believe we are worse off compared to themselves. When they don’t feel that way, it makes them jealous and angry. So they sabotage. They exclude. They attack. African women can’t be pretty. We can’t be smart. We can’t be skilled. Because you need us to be less than you so you can feel good about yourself.

When we show ourselves to be exceptional, it is proof that you don’t have to be White or male (or close to it) in order to be capable. And you’re so evil and fucked up that this truth actually makes you angry, and you harm people so you can delude yourself into believing only you can be on top. It’s so infuriating. But it’s only a problem because fans of rock music feel that way too. They would rather watch some shirtless White douche stand onstage in a Jesus pose than watch Black women be exceptional. And this includes Black and female fans of rock music. Black and/or female rock music fans are racist and sexist, period. They don’t fucking like themselves. That’s the problem. Of course the white bookers are racist. Of course the white press is racist. But no one is stopping Black people from starting an alternative music mag. No one is stopping them from opening venues and putting on shows. But the thing that I didn’t realize is that White male validation is a huge drive for people who aren’t white guys that make rock music. When I started my band, I was so pissed off at how racist everyone was that I started putting my own all Black shows together. As a young African woman doing this, none of the Black people I dealt with even respected me and most were so fucking rude and difficult. They don’t care because you’re not White. I once booked these Black women to play my show and they went ahead and booked another Brooklyn show the same fucking week. I got so pissed and was like “Why would you do that? You’ll dilute your audience and I am one person doing diy publicity/booking/everything whilst they have their whole hipster White network and a popular venue, bla bla.” They were like, “Well, they asked us and we didn’t want to burn any bridges.” I thought to myself, it’s interesting that they didn’t see me as a bridge they didn’t want to burn. But that is not how Black psychology works. You think your success will come at the hands of White people. You don’t think success looks like you. You don’t think it will come from you. You don’t evaluate the people you’re working with and what you’d be gaining in order to measure the value of any opportunity, you just go with whomever is Whitest. Then you wonder why you don’t have shit.

After I called them out, the band apologized and actually helped me a lot by getting their friend to let me put on the gig in his basement out of town because no NYC venue would book my show of an entirely Black lineup. They were only interested if there were majority white bands on the bill and only 1 Black band. Now these same racist ass venues have the nerve to post BLM shit *eyeroll*. Anyway, out of a desire to be supportive of fellow Black women musicians, I actually went to their hipster white booked show. I arrived earlier than their advertised set time, just to hang out or whatever and since they were a hometown band, the majority of the people that came were there to see them, like me, and they were supposed to go on in less than an hour. I found them and spoke to them. They told me it was good that I arrived early, because the white female booker had informed them UPON THEIR ARRIVAL that they would be going on about an hour earlier and their set was cut in half. I couldn’t believe it. I asked them what they were going to do about it but they just took it. They didn’t protest. More “bridge preservation”, I would assume. Anyway they went on to way less people than they would have played to if they didn’t get fucked over, but the people that came, came to see them so the crowd was really energetic and into it. They must have played 3, MAYBE 4 songs. Then they were off. Show over. It was ridiculous. I stayed long after they were done, just to see what White nonsense would play next. It was an all white female band that undoubtedly were friends with the booker or her “network” because they were from France (NO ONE knew who they were) and I think it was actually their first Brooklyn gig so why the FUCK were they headlining and not the BROOKLYN BAND THE ENTIRE CROWD ORIGINALLY CAME TO SEE. Anyway, they were SO bad. Just BORING, derivative, post punk Joy Division nonsense (and I like Joy Division) but it was literally the most boring thing I had ever seen. EVERY song sounded the same and their set was 45 MINUTES! But Black bands will put up with that treatment just to work with White people. They think that’s the way to success. Before I wrote this, I searched a few bands I came across or played music with back in the mid-late 2000s. Some got a ton of White press, some were signed, but none of them still make music. Or the ones that do, their views are still in the sub-5000 range. So you ate all that shit, tolerated all that mistreatment, but you are still in the same boat as me, who just did it on my own and didn’t accept nonsense. So what was the point? So concerned with maintaining White bridges, completely oblivious to the fact that they all lead to a brick wall.

So the only thing to do is keep going. I’ve had insane drive for most of my life and I have accomplished things and have bulldozed through situations that would have left most other people in a fucking mental institution. I am a goddamned beast and I am proud of that. But I don’t think an African woman’s life must be struggle. So I have decided not to struggle. I don’t push. I don’t send out press releases, I don’t email bookers. When I feel like writing, I write. When I feel like recording, I record. I am concerned with getting music out to people. People are everywhere. I don’t need to reach people through any white or male controlled system, because that is what gives them the power to shut you out. If I feel like playing, I just go busk. And I keep all my goddamned money myself. If I want to put out a single, I just put one out. I don’t go through other people because when you are Black and exceptional, every “bridge” becomes a wall. So just do it yourself. That is what I’ve learned. The more I’ve learned to do myself the easier everything has become. Gatekeepers don’t matter in an open field. I’ve always believed that and that is why I started my band. If shitheads won’t let you through, go around. Walk away. Build your own. I am one of the few Black people that thinks that way but that is why I’ve done so much on my own. I don’t need White people or men for anything. And neither do you.

I get sad when I read about Tina Bell or Betty Davis or any other amazing Black women that left the music industry. I can understand why, but I feel that it would be a waste for me to do that, though many wish I would. It was a different time for them. No internet was a motherfucker. I would not exist without computers, mp3s, digital recording or the internet. PERIOD. In the 21st century, there is no reason any Black artist should be putting up with disrespect in exchange for “opportunity”. As far as making big money, I don’t know. We are in a place in music where everyone would rather see Black musicians as whores, pimps and degenerates rather than intellectuals or revolutionaries. But so? Maybe we should be less concerned with giving the people what they want and more concerned with expressing ourselves as individuals. Being broke sucks but you can always get money. In many different ways. I could take time off, learn to be an electrician and make bank. I don’t have to be sucking on white balls and degrading myself my whole life. I just don’t believe that is the only option for me.

So yes, after all this writing, I still have not answered the question. As an African female rock musician, what do I do? Continue making amazing music, by myself, putting it out there, by myself, all the while being refreshed and rejuvenated by the tears of all the haters that couldn’t write a song 10% as good as mine with a gun to their head. And that’s it. No one is going to recognize a Black woman as the best or the first, even when you are. But their validation does not dictate your relevance or impact. When I started, that Lester Bangs article was barely ever referenced or spoken about and Black rock musicians were not feminist and anti racist. Now they all are. But it is one thing to get in where you can fit in and it is another to be brave enough to stand alone and tell the truth, whether white people pat you on the head or not. I don’t know if in my lifetime, we’ll get to a place where people will support a Black female rock musician getting onstage and being exceptional, but who cares. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t. Rock’n’roll, as Black people created it, was always about Black joy and how rebellious that is. Black people partying and dancing when their entire country was trying to kill them (and mostly succeeding). Used to be that the only people you saw on stage playing electric guitar were Black. White people refused to play rock’n’roll, calling it “race music” and “jungle music”. Did that stop Black artists then? So why should the whitewashed and corporatized rock music industry’s rejection of us stop us from playing rock’n’roll now? I don’t know how you can be Black and play punk rock and then spend your entire career yielding to white hegemony. Couldn’t be me. If they don’t accept you, do it yourself. THAT’S LITERALLY WHAT DIY MEANS. I’ve never seen so many people obsessed with being “real” be so calculated and fake as I have dealing with people who proclaim to be “punk” or “indie”. So fuck ’em. It’s Black innovation that created rock’n’roll and it’s Black innovation that will save it. We just have to not give up on ourselves. They can’t pretend we don’t exist if we don’t stop existing. And I think as Black rock musicians in the 21st century, we have more of an opportunity than anyone that came before us to be loud and to be everywhere and to exist and be heard whether White people “let us in” or not. I’m not 20 anymore so I really can’t even be bothered with 99% of humanity, like, I’m done. But if you’re 20 now, and you still have that fire in you, go out and burn this shit to the ground. There is nothing stopping you except your own mindset, your own deference to whiteness, and your own fear of being exceptional because you know that if you are, most people won’t like you. It’s difficult to be ostracized and disrespected by everyone, even your own people, but you get over it. Because seeing people behave like that makes you lose respect for them and if I don’t respect you, why would I give a fuck what you think? Even if I respect you, I won’t give a fuck what you think because my life exists to be lived and validated by me. That is freedom. Y’all think freedom is Whiteness. Or maleness. It’s not. And freedom will never be given to you by White males. You were born with it and it was stolen from you by White males. Why the fuck would they give it back? You must take it.

You must take it.

Words speak loud, but actions tell the truth.

I haven’t really written in this thing in ages. Not like I used to, back in the day. I just had so much to say and I felt it was never said. Back then, it wasn’t. I remember I played a show at this racist White hipster venue in Williamsburg (that really narrows it down, doesn’t it. lol) I was on stage and someone yelled out something in between songs. I jokingly called them a racist and the audience literally gasped. Like audible, White, pearl clutching gasps of horror. This was maybe…2008? And you just didn’t talk about racism, then. Not in art, not in music, not anywhere. White people were not having it. I would have people give me “advice” all the time to not talk about race in my art because “you’re talented, why hold yourself back.” It literally made me want to spit in their faces. So you know racism is real and horrific and you know that despite my immense musical talent, if I challenge White people, they will be spiteful enough to block me from “success”, so you feel I should keep my mouth shut like a good little n***** and for what? Like, I’m not supposed to fight it? I’m not weak and I don’t take shit. That’s why White people have all the power in this world. No one challenges them. Most people who are not White would rather collude with a system that was designed to exploit them until death and destroy them if they refuse to comply, than just stand up and say, “No.”

The point I’m getting at is that all the people who gave me that “advice” in 2008 and beyond are now these “Woke Baes” on social media. People who were defending their family or friends who use the N word in 2014 are now dropping buzz terms like White Privilege in every post to get “Woke” points. Even the term woke… another thing that has been appropriated from Black people and run into the ground. EVERYONE uses it. Constantly. It has become the 2019 equivalent of “RAISING THE ROOF”. It’s all performative. I mean, I just saw an interview where ZAC EFRON spoke about white privilege. Like, do you think Zac Efron cares about White Privilege? I don’t think Zac Efron cares about White Privilege.

I feel some typa way about it because when you are really ’bout that life, you are shut out of these mainstream spaces. Like, you’re a Black celebrity who talks about White racism, but if you really stood up against it, you literally would not be on NBC or HBO or in that fashion magazine. The very fact that you are given a mouthpiece in this White mainstream space is evidence that the racist White people who control this space don’t view you as a threat. If you are pro-Black within an anti-Black system like Hollywood or major label record companies, YOU ARE A THREAT TO THAT WHITE SUPREMACIST SYSTEM. So my question is, how are you there? Either the system isn’t really racist, or you are not really challenging that system, because the people who run that system view you as safe. And as an African woman artist, I’ve learned that is what the majority of people need from you. They will not come near a Black woman if they do not feel like they can control you and exploit your talents for their own gain. I mean, didn’t it come out that “slavery is a choice” Kanye literally CAN’T RETIRE because of the shit record contract he signed. Like, if White media is pushing you, it is because THEY are gaining something. Not you. They not tryna amplify some “Let my people go” shit, lol.

I was reading something that said Chadwick Boseman was cast on a soap opera back in the day. He was to play a stereotypical “ganbanger Black youth” and he was displeased, so brought it up with producers and offered ways to improve the character and make it less racist. Do you know they fired his ass and hired Michael B Jordan, then used some of Boseman’s suggestions in reshaping the character for this new actor? That’s how petty most White people are towards Black people who challenge them. You think they are less petty now? Every Black person reading this knows they are not.

I like that people are currently challenging White Supremacy and misogyny openly- that’s what I want. That is why I started this band. But I hate the commodification of the trauma of people who are not White males fighting to be seen as Human Beings. It’s not a trend. It’s the lives of billions of people. And to see Michael B Jordan in a Black Panther themed photo shoot for GQ magazine… I- like WHAT? We’re selling Black liberation now? It is now branded and fashionable? When the actual Black Panthers are all murdered or imprisoned by their own government and still seen as “villains” on par with the KKK to the very White editors and consumers who will thumb through those magazine pages and go “Hm, cool beret.” and then keep it moving? And he agreed to that shit with his whole damn chesS? What’s next, a Freedom Riders themed photo shoot for ELLE? A 4 Little Girls themed photo shoot for Vogue, replete with burning Black children? THIS IS TOXIC AND ANTI-BLACK BEHAVIOUR.

I don’t know what the answer is, but since we know the American media is a tool of White Supremacist Patriarchy, I think we should investigate and deeply evaluate ANY supposedly “Woke” voice being presented to us by the same people who control and operate said tool. YOUR OPPRESSORS WILL NOT BE YOUR LIBERATORS. And if you are working freely and being rewarded within a White supremacist system, it is because you are not an obstruction within that system. You are somehow aiding its operation.

If you are a Black person and you say or do anything that threatens White Supremacist and patriarchal ideals, you will be attacked and people will try to silence you. Unless you are simultaneously making White people a shit-ton of money, or they are gaining something else from you. I’ve had White males join my anti- racist band because they thought they’d get a chance to sleep with me. In the minds of most people on Earth, Black women exist solely to be used and exploited. And when they are done, you’re done. So don’t talk to me about White Privilege on twitter when you don’t cast dark skinned Black women in lead roles and you yell at and harass women on set. If any of this were real, we’d see changes. But underneath the me too and hashtags and rhetoric, nothing has changed. The system is still rigged and is running full speed ahead. I think people should be more impressed when these personalities’ actions match their words. I mean, Jordan Peele is mixed and has a White wife, but fully Black male directors were not casting Lupita Nyong’o in lead roles. They were all casting light and mixed women and sending out racist casting calls like the one for Straight Outta Compton. So who is challenging a system and who is perpetuating it?

I was just watching this gangster movie this weekend and the main guy was always getting betrayed. I’m paraphrasing but he said that he learned to not believe people’s words, but to believe the situation. It’s good advice. If you wish to enter a structure, but the doorway is too narrow for you to enter, existing within that structure requires 2 things: either you modify the structure to accommodate you, or you alter or contort yourself in order to fit into the structure. So if these systems are still racist, but you are somehow chillin’ on the inside, you have obviously altered yourself from who you were when you were on the outside in order to fit. And lord only knows what that entails.

Y’all stay “woke” now…

Sharon Gul. Yumiko Aoyagi. Crest City. Jasmine ltd. FYI, they are racists.

This is the type of racist shit that I have to deal with as an African woman in the entertainment industry. For some backstory, I have recently decided to focus more on the writing end of tv and film, so have been looking for opportunities. I answered an ad looking for tv writers, so I submitted a résumé and cover letter. Sharon Gul of Crest City TV responded and cc’ed someone named “y aoyagi”. Anyway, he was polite enough at first, we had a video chat and they asked me to submit a series treatment for the BBC show Thirteen, which they were supposedly working on a 10 episode Japanese adaptation for, and they were looking for staff writers with a high level of English.

This is where it gets weird. So usually, if you send in a job application for anything, if they are not interested, one of 2 things occur. If they are polite, they send you a personal rejection email of a couple sentences. If they are not polite or don’t have time, they don’t respond at all. In this instance, however, not only did Yumiko Aoyagi write back to say she didn’t like the treatment and it was too long, she insulted my experience and asked me to redo it and resubmit?!

I was really confused by not only her complete 180 but also her tone. Her intent was to try to diminish me for some reason. I am used to people being threatened by me so I know how they behave. She wanted to hire me, but she also wanted to be sure she could control me. So she tested me to see if I was desperate enough to not only tolerate her rudeness, but do an unpaid complete rewrite with no promise of a job position. I am not. So I told them I would not do anymore unpaid writing for them and they should find someone else, because they completely wasted my time.

I didn’t hear anything for like 3 days, so I thought it was over. I was pissed that I had wasted so much time on the treatment but I have learned that you can’t cure assholes, so I pick and choose my battles. AND THEN, THIS ARRIVES:

——– Original Message ——–
Subject: Re: Your assignment
Date: Sun, January 14, 2018 10:01 pm
To: “1234Films”

​we read your email and was very sorry you have to feel that way.

I was thinking a lot of to reply to your annoying mail or not , and finally
decided to do so.
During the interview
​as with all other candidates , Yumiko asked
​you ​very clearly No more than 3 pages.
And I was there !
We have more than 65 candidates and cannot read 10 pages from each one​.

It might be only miss understanding ,
​however your poor communication skill definitely closed any door with us.
You were definitely not the best candidate out of all , but for sure
​the rudest.

Surprisingly all the other GOOD candidates understood exactly what Yumiko
asked for and DELIVERED!
​TV writing is nothing but team work ,you might be a talented writer , but
i’m glad we found out that your personality might not be cut out for it
before we waste your time.

About wasting your time – it is very common in the world nowadays (well at
least at those advanced places that I know of ) to conduct few interviews
with the good candidates , and give them assignments to test their
abilities in different areas​, but obviously it is not good enough for you.​

We will go forward with our plans and projects and will do very well with
the people we gathered!

can you say the same about yourself ?
Maybe something is wrong with you and not with all the world out there ?
Think about it , I’m sure you will have plenty of time now to do so.
​wish you the best for your future endeavors .


Ohhhkaayyy. So you have 65 candidates, yet you stew over my email for days, then write me an entire essay, to tell me that you’re not interested and you have other people who are better? If that is the case, shouldn’t you be talking to them right now? It’s so strange when people do the whole “I just wanted to take time out to let you know that I don’t have time for you.” Like, do they not know how stupid they look? Besides that, in the interview, she very clearly said it’s generally 3-5 pages but don’t worry about format or if it’s more, she just wants a good story. So they were doubling down on the lie that they gave me different directions. Also, if I was not the best candidate, then why ask me to submit? And then resubmit? Isn’t it normal business practice to interview and ask for submissions from the best candidates? Why waste time with people you think will be shit at the job? And once again IF YOU HAVE A ZILLION OTHER CANDIDATES WHO ARE AMAZING AND GAVE YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW?!

The entire message was one ridiculous, delusional White Male Ego™ filled shart, but the thing that pushed me over was the line “About wasting your time – it is very common in the world nowadays (well at least at those advanced places that I know of)” Listen, I know racist passive aggression like the back of my hand, racist White people are like glass to me. I can see through that shit a mile away. So since it is obvious what I was dealing with and I really don’t have time to feign politeness to racist dipshits, I sent him a frank and succinct response:

Subject: RE: Re: Your assignment
From: “1234Films”
Date: Mon, Jan 15, 2018 10:02 am

lol fuck you both, you lying, manipulative disrespectful assholes. Thank god I didn’t get stuck working with you primitives. Good riddance.

I deliberately used the word primitives because I know his racist ass was taking jabs at my African-ness and throwing it back at him would make his White Male Ego™ loosen the reigns and his racist tongue would get wagging. I hate when they try to hide shit. You got some racist shit to say to me? Fucking say it. Oh boy, did he (I bolded his “best of”):

Subject: Re: Re: Your assignment
Date: Mon, Jan 15, 2018 10:08 pm
To: 1234Films

Wow , what a class , what a language.

actually, i think you should switch to comedy , maybe your talent is there .

To hear those words from someone whom name sounds more like a disease rather than a human , it’s kinda funny.😆

assholes ? it’s kinda funny too , when it comes from you , it’s not me ,but president trump called the place you come from a shit hole , now it makes much more sense.😆
Primitives ?? You are sitting for an interview with huge stupid headphones on your head , looking like a scene from the 30’s , but we are the primitives ?😆
Primitives ?? Having an internet connection connected by strings and cans , not allowing even 1 clear sentence , and we are the primitives ?
Manipulative ? Liars? To hear that from someone who live in a place which the main export industry to the world is online frauds , that’s funny 😆.

and yes ! we did plan to pay you ! we are running a business and a successful one , and in our enlightened world ,people are getting paid, but reading your mails , i must say that
the only payment you deserve is by (a certain ) fruit. (Note: I don’t really get this insult tbh)

You might be the coolest writer in the tribe , but not more than that .no wonder you are where you are at the age of 35.


Soooo. That’s what happens to an African woman when you submit a script and the company doesn’t like it. I don’t get rejected, I don’t get ignored, I get whatever that just was. It doesn’t even make sense. My name sounds like a disease? Your last name is Gul. I’m supposed to be insulted by what Trump thinks of my country? Maybe both you and he should go grab another pussy. Seems to be a rich White male pastime, after all. Mocking my headphones? I had on studio headphones for mixing because I mix. In studios. They tend to be big. And I was talking to him over 4g internet like most of fucking Lagos, Nigeria. And about the scam thing? Maybe he should have watched this: Nigerian Prince Scammer is a White Guy . Also, Nigeria’s largest export is not, in fact, scamming, but crude oil and other mineral oils, without which your racist, exploitative, resource-thieving ass countries couldn’t even function. You’re welcome. By the way, about that age jab? He’s bald as fuck and looks to be about 20 years older than me so … Yumiko Aoyagi is at least a decade older than me too. And neither of them have even half my talent. Just putting that out there.

I am sick of this racist, anti-African shit at every turn. I’m tired of it. I will not accept it and I will put every fucking racist on blast. Fuck all of you. Yumiko Aoyagi is responsible for writing the Japanese version of Orphan Black which is currently airing. If these are the types of people the BBC and Fuji TV like to work with, then it should be known. I don’t care if you don’t want to give me jobs because I stand up for myself and don’t eat shit. Like your racist ass was going to hire me anyway? Fame and money are not worth this shit for me. I know I’m talented and I will continue to do what I love, but I’ll be damned if I won’t let out a fuck you to anyone who tries to disrespect me as a woman, a Black person or an African.

I just had to get this off my chest. Reading his fucking email made me want to puke. I hope this blog is connected with their names in google searches forever.

ETA: Kieron Cashell, of GPlusMedia/Gaijin Pot, the site where I found the ad, actually told me that these emails were not racist, but just “bad business etiquette” and did not violate Gaijin Pot’s terms of service, therefore he would do nothing. Just another racist to add to the pile, but it should be known that he and GPlusMedia/Gaijin Pot are anti-African and anti-Black and condone racist harassment. The BBC were also made aware of the emails and still continue to work with Yumiko Aoyagi and also called me a “reverse racist” to boot. This is how people behave when they believe that as an African woman, you have no voice or power. It’s ok. I will be heard. You can’t see that, but I do. And your true nature will be known.

Advice To Young Ladies

by AD Hope

A.U.C. 334: about this date,
For a sexual misdemeanour which she denied,
The vestal virgin Postumia was tried;
Livy records it among affairs of state.

They let her off: it seems she was perfectly pure;
The charge arose because some thought her talk
Too witty for a young girl, her eyes, her walk
Too lively, her clothes too smart to be demure.

The Pontifex Maximus, summing up the case,
Warned her in future to abstain from jokes,
To wear less modish and more pious frocks.
She left the court reprieved, but in disgrace.

What then? With her the annalist is less
Concerned than what the men achieved that year:
Plots, quarrels, crimes, with oratory to spare-
I see Postumia with her dowdy dress,

Stiff mouth and listless step; I see her strive
To give dull answers. She had to knuckle down.
A vestal virgin who scandalized that town
Had fair trial, then they buried her alive;

Alive, bricked up in suffocating dark;
A ration of bread, a pitcher if she was dry,
Preserved the body they did not wish to die
Until her mind was quenched to the last spark.

How many the black maw has swallowed in its time!
Spirited girls who would not know their place,
Talented girls who found that the disgrace
Of being a woman made genius a crime.

How many others, who would not kiss the rod,
Domestic bullying broke or public shame?
Pagan or Christian, it was much the same:
Husbands, St. Paul declared, rank next to God.

Livy and Paul, it may be, never knew
That Rome was doomed; each spoke of her with pride.
Tacitus, writing after both had died,
Showed that whole fabric rotten, through and through.

Historians spend their lives and lavish ink
Explaining how great commonwealths collapse
From great defects of policy – perhaps
The cause is sometimes simpler than they think.

It may not seem so grave an act to break
Postumia’s spirit as Galileo’s, to gag
Hypatia as crush Socrates, or drag
Joan as Giordano Bruno to the stake.

Can we be sure? Have more states perished, then,
For having shackled the enquiring mind,
Than those who, in their folly not less blind,
Trusted the servile womb to breed free men?

The Black Girl Version of Life

“The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.”

    – Carl Jung

The Black Girl Version:

“The world will tell you who you are, and if you don’t know, you’ll believe them.”

    – The White Noise Supremacists

This is insane. And I am enraged.

Angry. Angry. That word. Am I supposed to fear it? That word is always thrown at me at opportune moments. I have detected, over the years, a pattern. When I behave in a way that you don’t expect. When I stand up for myself. When you are threatened by the fact that when you look at me, you don’t feel dominant or superior, you call me “angry”. But you don’t say it with fear. Not fear for your safety, at least. It leaves your lips with a “hisssss”. Then you sit back, satisfied. As though you have accomplished something. You are contented. Why?

When you are at the bottom of the sexual, racial and ethnic Western social hierarchy, as I am, you learn very quickly that EVERYONE depends on your staying at the bottom. It’s like a sick cheerleaders pyramid. When the ones kneeling on the bottom, with everyone’s weight on their backs, decide to stand up, what happens to the ones above them? Exactly.

It’s quite depressing to know that 90% of the people in the society in which you live depend on you feeling ashamed, inadequate, ugly, stupid and inept in order for them to feel confident and strong. To know that strangers have a vested interest in your failure … It just makes them feel good to think that at the end of the day, you’ve still amounted to nothing. That is my life. Fielding attacks for not being worthless. Being in a near constant state of defensiveness because I am not stupid or ugly or inept and refuse to pretend to be for others who aim to elevate themselves by standing upon my back.

I am Black. I am a woman. I am an African. AND YOU ARE NOT SUPERIOR TO ME. Why does that make you mad? Why does that make you want to attack? Why are you so fucked up and insane?

I started a new job and there is a young Black guy I work with. Black American men almost invariably react towards me in the same way. They are ALL suspicious of me and about 80% outright hostile on sight, making inane assumptions about my class and personality before I even open my mouth. I’m sure he did all of these things but fortunately was one of the 20% that was not hostile but friendly and conversational. That is until I was speaking to him and used the word “recalcitrant”. He made a joking comment about it being a “big word”, then let it go. Or so I thought, because within literally 45 SECONDS out of NOWHERE he made some flippant comment about something I said being “White people shit”. Now, I am used to this, but I am not in middle school or high school anymore and I have literally not had a Black person accuse me of “acting white” in over 10 years. I am a grown ass woman. I just refuse to deal with that garbage at this point in my life. So I just shut it down by saying “Well I am a Black person so I don’t even know what that means.” and left it at that.

This country is a fucking bitch.  Being talented and intelligent works against you if you are a Black woman. If you don’t have to deal with ignorant, inferiority complex having Black people who are on this “Blackpeepo d’on’ reed! Blackpeepo dondoodis! Lookatchu, uthinkuhighclass!” , etc. – Btw, why do so many Black people in this country believe that to be “authentically Black” means to be illiterate and lack the ability to speak your native language correctly? Because last time I checked, Black people were the only people in history who were threatened with torture and death if they learned how to read and write AND RISKED DEATH AND TAUGHT THEMSELVES HOW TO DO IT ANYWAY AND OPENED UP THEIR OWN SCHOOLS SO THEY COULD BE EDUCATED AND GRADUATED COLLEGE AND BECAME POETS AND DOCTORS AND LAWYERS BEFORE SLAVERY WAS EVEN OFFICIALLY ABOLISHED IN 1865 BUT MAYBE THAT NEVER HAPPENED OH OK MY BAD PLEASE PROCEED IN MISPRONOUNCING YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

What a sista gotta to to operate with some standards in this country? CAN I EVEN FUCKING HAVE STANDARDS? IS THAT OK, FUCKWADS?

So as if dealing with crazy internalized white supremacist Black people isn’t enough, I have to deal with White supremacist white people as well. My generation has a new kind of White person to contend with, in addition to the old. They won’t openly hate you like their parents and grandparents. They smile at you and voted for Obama. They are the new breed of “OH BLACK PEOPLE I LIKE THOSE THEY HAVE COOL HAIR THEY ARE FINE AS LONG AS THEY ARE CLEAN AND USE FUNNY CATCHPHRASES AND DON’T KNOW THINGS THAT I DON’T KNOW AND CAN’T DO THINGS THAT I CAN’T DO AND BEHAVE AND DRESS EXACTLY THE WAY I SAY THEY SHOULD AND HAVE NO BOUNDARIES AND ALLOW ME TO TREAT THEM HOWEVER I CHOOSE AND OH YEAH I SHOULD ALSO HAVE FREE REIGN TO FUCK THEM AT WILL YEAH THOSE BLACKS ARE FINE WITH ME!”

So I am stuck in this No Woman’s Land between “Real Black people cain’t do shit” Black people who believe the White Supremacist hype and actually think their Blackness is a hindrance  and White people who are so racist yet try to pretend that they are not and have this unspoken “Stay in your place and we’re fine with you” reaction and both options are so gross to me and I decided in 2000 that I would not hang out with self hating indie negroes anymore because even though we have similar artistic tastes, lbr, that shit is just depressing and I refuse to be stuck in a room full of insecure Black people talking about how other Black people suck and White people are so much better while passing around photographs of their disrespectful and unattractive White bfs/gfs as though that’s “a step up” or something- Btw, if you are going to be a self hating poc and say “I only date White guys/gals, I hate [insert your own people here].” , can you please rescue a tenth of a degree of decency and at least date White people that are hot and awesome? PoC like that usually date seemingly just the worst, most bargain basement White people you can find. I would love for once to meet some Black person who is like “I only date White people, oh, btw, here comes my White s.o. now!” and out walks- no floats– this, like Goddess/Adonis with wit, intelligence, class and style and treats you like royalty and has, like, super bitchin’ hair, or something. Then I could be like, “Oh ok, point taken, good luck, enjoy smashing that, etc.” But it’s never like that. It’s always some gross ugly coked-up moronic douche/douchess. I’m like, “Oh ok thanks for that c u.”

I am ANGRY. I am angry that I am capable of so much but in one of the largest cities in the world, I feel like I have no options. No people. I have no people. Most people are cowards and the ones who have the fire and the passion are usually consumed and destroyed by it so they are not even of use to themselves let alone me. What use could I have for someone? Hm. It would be nice to exchange ideas with someone who is as unafraid as I am. Who makes up their own mind. Who doesn’t sit back and watch when they see someone unique and valuable; someone who is the first one there with an outstreched hand. Hello. Who are you? What do you think about all this shit and how quick can we take a couple sticks of dynamite to it?

Hello. What do you think?

What do you hate?

What do you love?

Can you love? More than you can hate? Do you?

Are you a coward or are you brave? Do you know the difference between being brave and being fearless? Which one are you?

Are you the same person at all times? Are you different people? Do you take responsibility for all of them? Do you know that if you don’t, you’re a coward?

What’s the point if you won’t come up with one?

I would love to meet someone as angry and passionate as I am. Someone who knows it’s their place to be so.

I have to get the fuck out of this town. Maybe you are afraid because you know I could rip you apart from the inside. I probably could. I know this. But who’s to say I will? Unless you expect to treat me in such a way that would earn such retribution. If that’s the case, then, yes, it would be in your best interest to stay away.

I’ve got an atom bomb in my head and in my chest. I have power. I am Black. I am a woman. I am an African. And I have power.

Why does that scare you? Oh yeah. The whole “bottom of the pyramid” thing. Gotcha.

The most surefire way to find yourself surrounded by weak people is to deny your own strength. That’s my line. You can have it. I’ve got plenty.

Zoe Saldana is Nina Simone. Um, no.

So, in a world where Adepero Oduye exists, Nina Simone will be played by…Zoe Saldana.



It’s just so blatantly racist. And yes, I know Saldana is Black. And no, I am not one of those ridiculous Black people who administers “Black exams” to judge who’s “Black enough” and who isn’t. God knows I’ve met enough assholes who try to do that shit to me. But it’s obvious that the whole reason she is cast is because she is a Black woman who is attractive in a way that is non-threatening to White people. But more specifically, young White men. If White men between the ages of 18-25 don’t wanna bang you, you are pretty much seen as useless in Hollywood. She has a straight nose, thinner lips, long straightened hair and has starved herself into a bobblehead (sorry, but she has and it’s so sad). And she is often in sexualized roles where she is intimate with White men. This, apparently, is all you need to be fap material for your average White dude. She has apparently joined the ranks of Halle Berry and Beyonce as “Black women it’s ok to openly admit to wanting to bang.” And the fact that these things factor into her being chosen to play NINA SIMONE, of all people, is so offensive I want to spit glass shards.

Nina Simone wasn’t a straight haired, fair-skinned waif. She was repeatedly told all through her youth and career that she was too dark, with too wide a nose and lips to be successful. She wanted to be a classical pianist but was turned down from conservatory because they were racist. Her triumph and success, especially during the civil rights movement was all the more powerful because she wasn’t some passive, light skinned, Europeanized version of a Black woman. Her appearance is so integral to her story because of those things. And to completely erase that aspect of her struggle to appeal to a demographic that most likely doesn’t even give a crap about Nina Simone or what she stood for anyway is disgusting. And it is obvious that the director and producers have absolutely no respect for Ms. Simone or her music and message not only because of the laughably absurd casting but because they didn’t even consult her family/estate at all during the entire process and still have not; even as they are approaching their shooting start date.

Whitewashing is disgusting and Hollywood needs to be called out about it. The only thing more vomit-inducing than their portrayals of women is their portrayals of Women of Color. Black women are not only half White or light skinned. But these are the only kinds of Black women that they feel comfortable casting as romantic interests. And I use “romantic” quite loosely being that these women are only around to be groped, ogled, abused and fucked in roles that are completely passive and gratuitously sexual. But when you don’t need a Black woman for White guys to fuck, like, you just need a Black woman to be angry or fat or addicted to crack or, like, to clean something, then you cast the dark Black women. It’s disgusting and appalling that White executives have the gall to be so blatant about it. But when PoC in Hollywood rarely stand up to challenge it, what do you expect? Textbook bully syndrome, really. You only go after the ones that don’t fight back. That’s pretty much been White culture’s m.o. for a couple thousand years now. You think we would’ve picked up on that at some point.

There is a petition here: http://www.change.org/petitions/jimmy-iovine-cynthia-mort-replace-zoe-saldana-with-an-actress-who-actually-looks-like-nina-simone

I haven’t signed it…on one hand what these filmmakers did is undeniably disgusting but on the other hand I don’t like telling some rich White execs to fire a Black woman but on the other hand Saldana should know better but on the other hand her entire career is based on being the palatable, non-threatening Black woman so I don’t know. This is a huge problem in Hollywood so I thought I would at least address it and then present it to you to make the choice if you feel strongly enough to sign.

This practice has angered me for a long time. I decided I wanted to make films when I was 13 or 14 and consumed them obsessively since then. And from Rosario “I’m a little bit Black but not that Black really hardly any Black in me but oh are you casting a Black role then yeah I’m totally Black!” Dawson in many of her movies but specifically in the Josie and the Pussycats movie (laugh all you want but I loved that cartoon as a kid and Valerie was dark and had an afro and was in a band and even though she only played the goddamned tambourine (wtf) it was awesome and I was SO MAD when she was cast with Dawson and yes I was 19 when that movie came out which made me a grown ass woman but we are not going to address that right now, thank you very much) to Halle Berry as Storm, like, what the fuck. How dare you. HOW DARE YOU, A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES, etc. My only dream is for the head of Fox to get a damn aneurysm and fall into a coma and then wake up with the mind and personality of a strong and self respecting Black woman so we can finally get a goddamned Storm in a movie that is true to the comics and has all her strength, regality and general African badassery and not all this meek, doe eyed, sexualized bullshit. I mean SHE WENT FROM A THIEVING ORPHAN TO BEING EQUAL TO XAVIER IN POWER AND LEADERSHIP AND LED THE X MEN AFTER BEATING CYCLOPS EVEN WHEN SHE LOST HER POWERS AND BASICALLY TOLD HIM TO GTFO. Ugh. I have so many repressed feelings about that character and how she was massacred. And DON’T even get me started on what they did to Rogue…

Sorry, I got sidetracked and have a lot of nerd feelings (obvs). But yes, the roles available for Black women are atrocious and the way Black women are presented in the film and music industries is atrocious and though I’m sure Halle Berry could very possibly be a lovely woman who went through a lot of shit to get her career, you can’t use that as a reason not to comment on all the racist, damaging fuckery that many of her roles and the roles of many other Black actresses like her help perpetuate. It’s damaging to young Black girls who really feel that they are not worthy of respect. And they grow into Black women who feel the same way. I mean, you should see the way some White people I meet through playing shows and booking my band try and speak to me/treat me. Or even before, when I was working regular shitty jobs in retail or whatever. Or even occasional people who were supposed to be “friends”. It’s like, did you seriously just talk to me like that/do that to me? What planet are you from that you think that’s even vaguely appropriate? And when I say don’t treat me disrespectfully, they look at me like I have 12 heads and pull out the whole “angry, uppity Black woman with a chip on her shoulder” schtick. Like I’m supposed to just stand there and grin while you talk to me like I’m your 3 year old or your fucking dog or some shit. But they act like that because I really don’t think they are used to Black women standing up for themselves. It’s shocking to them. And White culture raises White people to think that Black people who fight back are bad and Black people who are passive are good. Just look at the difference between the way they portray MLK Jr. and Malcolm X. I’ve even heard many crazy White people compare The Black Panthers to the Klan. I mean, seriously?

I am going to make films and just like my music, I will have to do it independently with no outside support because there is no room in either system for PoCs and especially WoC to be who we are and not filtered through lenses of White male supremacy. I mean, where are the movies made for Black people by Black people? Where are my generation’s Robert Townsends and Euzhan Palcys, etc. If the stereotype is your reality, fine. You have a right to that. But I have a right to my reality as well. My experience and perspective as a Black woman is just as valid and authentically Black as yours. But there is no room for varied and complex Black experiences in the industry. So fuck ’em. They are desperate and running out of ideas because they are not the creatives. They are the suits. They need us more than we need them. But Black people and Women don’t seem to understand that. So they just line up and straighten and weave and starve and smile and lighten and strip and shimmy and twerk and hope to be thrown a bone. That is pathetic. And it makes me angry that WoC and especially young Black girls are led to believe that is the only way to get ahead. And things will only change when we start thinking differently about ourselves and start demanding more. Or better yet, picking up our pens, cameras and classical or contemporary monologues and fucking doing it for ourselves like we used to. That will change everything.

Now, off to write…


As I stand here, having been giving this a go for about 3 years now, I can honestly say it’s harder being a woman than being Black when it comes to doing what I do. I feel like though it still might suck being a Black man making rock music in this city sometimes, much of the “wtf” moments I’ve had have come from dealing with men who have no clue how to deal with a woman as an equal. They just expect you to not be good or to not know what the fuck you’re doing or to just generally put up with their shit. There was a sound guy at a very popular Brooklyn venue that was known for simply HATING women. Every female musician that played there said he was an absolute demon when it came to them, going as far as making some of the more sensitive ones burst into tears because he was so awful. So if it’s not the sound guy being a dick or the booker being a dick or the guy at the bar being a dick, it’s the people in your band being dicks. Which happens to everyone but not for the same reasons that it would happen to a woman. And anything racial you experience will be amplified as well because they feel that they can get away with more because you’re a woman and you’re more likely to just take it rather than shank them in the kidneys (they’ve obviously got the wrong woman).

And then there’s the audience. I’ve been fascinated by a couple of male musicians in particular who have incredibly sexually charged images but flip the fuck out when they are objectified sexually. The first is D’Angelo. Everyone remembers his nekkid ass video and song. It was a great nekkid ass video and song, no mistake, but afterwards he says that the people coming to his shows changed from people who wanted to hear his music to people who just wanted him to take off his shirt. And it made him so uncomfortable that he had to basically question his desire to keep making and performing music. What? So you make a nekkid ass video, people appreciate your nekkid ass, and you resent it so greatly that you flip out and stop making music for like a million years? I may be oversimplifying the situation; I have no clue what is going on in his life, but the fact that he reacted so strongly and with such disdain to something that every woman on the planet deals with whether you are a waitress in a dive or Secretary of State just makes me laugh and proves that a man could never cut it as a woman. At least they waited for you to even take off your clothes before they objectify you. I’ve been catcalled in a fucking Stay-Puff Marshmallow man looking winter coat out in snowstorms. I mean, nothing is showing except my EYES. But the simple possibility that I MIGHT be female underneath 30 layers of wool gives some men the divine right to be lascivious assholes about it.

Then there’s Patrick Wolf who got catcalled at a gig and flipped the fuck out over it. I mean frankly if someone yelled “Show us your cock” at a dude at a gig I’d laugh. What sort of objectification and sexual oppression have you dealt with in your life as a man that would make you so bitter about being found sexually attracticve by a stranger? I think some men flip out over these situations because in these situations, they are not the ones in control. They are not controlling the way they are perceived. They are objects. And men are raised to think that control over everything at all times is not only possible, but it’s a birthright afforded to them in conjunction with a penis. And men are also raised to expect sexual control above all. They are predators, we are prey. They are the aggressors, we are sexually passive. So when those roles are reversed, they start crying.

It would be great if I could choose when I want to be sexualized and when I want to be appreciated for my mind or my art. It would be great if the fact that many people don’t give a shit about what comes out of my mouth and would rather I just shut up and “take it off” were so shocking that I could actually become enraged about it. But that is not the case. That just goes along with being female. I WANT men to be sexualized more in the media. It SHOULD be normalized. Men benefit from sexual attractiveness the same way women do. But for some reason, with men it’s played down because it’s “demeaning”. And with women, it’s pretty much expected for you to exploit your sexuality for gain. And if you don’t, it’s either because you’re a prude or a dyke.

I mean, if Marlon Brando looked like a foot, would he still be legendary? Yes he was a revolutionary actor, but you’re delusional if you don’t think his intensity and sexual power had anything to do with his screen appeal. A Streetcar Named Desire is one of my favorite movies. And his acting is only one of the reasons why. Goddayum…

Oh but asserting that such a male LEGEND in some way was helped to that status by his looks is blasphemous. But Audrey Hepburn is worshipped as a legendary actress and in my opinion wasn’t really any good at the profession she is known for. But she was cute and skinny and pretty. So that’s okay. I mean, Jesus, give me Lauren Bacall over her any day.

This is getting really long but I have TONS to say on this subject. Oh! And another fascinating phenomenon to dissect: Megan Fox. Oh my God. How young women HATE her. Like visceral, vitriolic, bile fuelled internet rants that you almost black out from the intensity of. I don’t understand. It’s like she’s the first young actress ever used for T&A in movies. But I’ve actually seen girls say that she alone is setting the women’s movement back a century. And that she’s a whore and a slut and should be burned at the stake. Frankly, it’s not that serious. You know why I like her? Because she’s self aware. She knows she’s hot and that it get’s her roles. So? Isn’t that her choice? No one is saying you have to do the same. I can’t think of a woman that is overtly sexual that isn’t vilified in some way. But I can think of many male actors and musicians who’ll fuck anything that moves and arent the best at what they do but aren’t called pathetic sluts who should burn in hell.

I don’t know I think the hate of her shows an unhealthy sickness that women have. And it’s all been learned from men. And perpetuated amongst ourselves. So to make that process a tad easier, I would like to relay to you, based solely upon my experiences in this world for the past quarter of a century or so, 

1. Don’t even bother.
2. No really, don’t.
3. Seriously, I’m not kidding.
4. Ok. Well if you must…
5. Do things, but not well. It will make your efforts look “cute”. And men dig that. Therefore you will get laid.
6. When you get laid, pretend that you didn’t want to at first. Because then you won’t look like a whore. Whores have sex and like it. You’re not one of those, are you? Of course not. You’re so cute!
7. Confidence is for men. If you are confident, make sure you are hot. Because people will assume that is where you’re confidence stems from anyway. So if you are not hot, they will say “Who does she think she is? She’s not hot enough to be that full of herself”. 
8. If you are hot, don’t be confident. Not only is confidence not for women, it especially not for HOT women. Hot women are to be used. And when not in use, put on display. Kind of like drapes or a nice sofa. If you happen to be a hot woman and you have the gall to display confidence or any level of self-possession, wear a helmet. And maybe a bullet proof vest.
9. Agree with everyone about everything. At all times. Opinions are for bitches. And you’re a nice girl, right?
10. If you do happen to get angry at any of the 5,000 years of bullshit that’s being shoveled upon you, swallow it. Or better yet, turn it into self-loathing! Yeah! Better that than becoming a feminist or something. What are you, a lesbian?
11. Shave every hair on your body. You look like a lesbian.
12. Don’t cut your hair. You’ll look like a lesbian.
13. Wow. You’re so funny and smart! But you’re not ugly. How can that b- oh, lesbian.
14. Don’t be assertive. That’s for bitches. And lesbians.
15. Men are really insecure. They know it, we know it. So the best thing you can do is coddle them. Depend on them. If they want to feel strong, pretend to be weaker. If they want to seem smart, pretend to be dumber. If your efforts to appear utterly ineffectual are not succesful and you do end up threatening their self image anyway, try harder. This mantra will help “I’m a woman, it’s all my fault. I’m a woman, it’s all my fault…”
16. If you follow all these rules, you might one day get married. Which is great, because then your entire existence won’t have been a fucking waste of oxygen.
17. Don’t get fat. Unless you’re a lesbian.
18. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Wait, you are hot, right? And you’ll do it in front of guys, right? Yeah? Great! Score!
19. Women are competition. No matter what. See her? She thinks she’s prettier than you. And she wants your man. You’re not gonna let her get away with that, are you? Of course not, the ugly whore!
20. Enjoy being a woman. It’s a beautiful sisterhood! *purges on cupcakes, then induces vomiting and weeps. in the dark. while texting rumours about that whore who looked at my boyfriend*

I think that about sums it up. If I’ve missed any, feel free to add your own.

I don’t hate men and I don’t hate women. Ok, I kinda hate men but I also know that there are incredibly beautiful men out there who do see women as equal in capability and humanity. But just because there are some good ones doesn’t mean the bad ones get a free pass. There is just so much ugliness between men and women. So much that it’s described as a war. And any war has casualties and the state I see most young women in…it’s awful. And pretending that it’s ok or just a part of life won’t make it go away. Same with race. It’s all just bullshit. Fucking bullshit. Anyways I gotta go to work.

*sigh* Imus…let me spell it out for the fucktards…

So I’ve been watching this circus and it has ended with Imus being terminated “effective immediately”. Good. No one should be paid to be a racist asshole. But there has been one argument I’ve heard over and over: “Well how come white people can’t call black people n—ers and hos and those black rappers can?” So I just have one question for white people: Why do you even want to? Because a black person has done it? And you don’t want to miss out on how fun it is degrading Black people?

Is it really that hard for you to understand? Those women were going about their lives. They were in school, on a sports team, made it to the final 4 and were damn happy about it. And they couldn’t even enjoy it for 30 seconds before some white guy comes around and smacks them “back in their place”. White people don’t understand because to them being an individual is understood and taken for granted. You are responsible for your own actions and you are judged by your own actions. Case in point: I have never met Paris Hilton. I have never met Lindsay Lohan. I have never met Britney Spears. But in the course of a year, I have discovered what all three of their labia look like. I would rather not have that knowledge but I do. And so does most of the world. The most famous young white women right now are, for all intents and purposes, coked up anorexic hos. But has anyone made the connection: white woman= drug addled ho with an eating disorder? No, because that would be silly. Just because Anna Nicole was photographed nude and took drugs and lohan, spears, and Hilton have and a lot of other white women do does not mean they ALL do. Common sense right? Sure, if you’re white. But if you’re not, all of a sudden, you are responsible and should suffer for the actions of those that share your color. So because some rapper who is black had some naked dancing strippers in his video who were black and called them hos, then that means that all black people refer to all black women as hos and we all love it and have no problem with it but just get mad at being called such things to get back at whitey and ruin his fun. Riiight. Are you serious?

Newsflash, black men are MEN who are black. And if you haven’t noticed, men of all colors tend to be fucking arrogant, macho, misogynistic assholes. So they, like a lot of men of all colors, believe that the more women you have sex with and the louder you talk about it, the more of a man you are. So they make a video and say, “oh I want naked dancing girls in it”, call them hos, and wrap for the day. Are they the first men to have naked dancing girls in their videos and have degrading lyrics in their songs about them? White men have never done that? They do the same things that most men in popular music do. Degrade and objectify women. Why bring their race into it? Rap is only about as old as I am. When did it become the sole signifying representation of all black people in the world ever? So before 1979 Black people just sat around staring at each other? We had no identity? These mainstream rappers are just dim-witted, insecure pawns for the racist label heads that make the real money and the suburban white teenagers who buy over 80% of rap records in the United States anyway. And I didn’t make that number up. That is a truthful figure. So why should black women in general suffer for what a few sexist black guys decide to say and do in a video? What the hell does that have to do with me? What did it have to do with those girls? Because some self-hating Black guys sold their soul to make music for young white suburbanites who think that being shot and poor with a 5th grade education is “cool” and “gangsta”, it should be okay to denigrate me? Really? Is that the deal I have going with the rest of the world as a Black woman?

Women of color are reared in a culture of white men who were raised to believe that white women are for dating and marrying and non-white women are for fetishizing and fucking. But only behind closed doors, of course. This is a country where within the previous century it was actually thought that it was impossible for a Black woman to be raped because we were naturally so “highly-sexed”. That is the context in which we are viewing Imus’ words. That is the society we exist within. Imus’ slurs were race specific. In his mind, he saw black women and immediately went “nappy headed ho” and “jigaboo”. But I shouldn’t be offended and he was just kidding? Fuck off. I mean is that what white people want? To be able to say shit like that about other people and have them be so broken down and used to it that we don’t even protest anymore?

When I was a teenager, I used to be a Lenny Bruce fan. Then I saw the movie Lenny. Mostly because of Dustin Hoffman. Who’s fucking incredible. So I was like “hey two awesome people. can’t lose.” I got as far as halfway through the movie before they got to Bruce’s famous N-word routine. Basically, in his warped white male mind, the problem isn’t that the word is so hateful and vile and atrocious and represents the torture and murder of Black people for literally CENTURIES; the problem is that Black people are just too dern SENSITIVE about the whole thing. And the rest of the world helps that by making the word taboo. So basically we should use the word as much as humanly possible to “strip the word of its power” and rid the world of racism. I hated him after that. And I couldn’t watch Dustin Hoffman in anything for a long while. I still to this day have never finished the movie and I have no desire to.

It’s so easy it seems for white people to give non-white people advice about dealing with racism. It’s funny how it’s always our fault for being offended, not yours for being hateful and ignorant. So the cure for racism is not for white people to just stop disrespecting and discriminating, torturing and murdering others for not being white, the cure is for non-white people to just not take offense to it. Okay. So why stop there? Lenny Bruce said that if we use the word incessantly, soon there won’t be some Black kid coming home from school crying because some white kid called him that name. So maybe white people should start using that logic with their kids. If your kid isn’t a good reader and the kids call him stupid, don’t teach him to stand up for himself and not tolerate being mistreated. Just tell his teachers to call him stupid. His siblings. Hell, you can join in. Then after awhile, he’ll become so used to the fact that everyone thinks he’s an idiot that it wont even faze him anymore. The word “stupid” will be *~*~stripped of it’s powers~*~* Same with fatties. Your kid’s a fatty? Well don’t even call him by his name. Try lard-ass. By the time he’s 10, He’ll be filled with pride. And hey, white adults, your husband hit you? Don’t get mad, get the shit beat out of you so often, you don’t even feel it anymore. And hail the end of domestic violence. White guy, your gf shits on you and bangs all your friends? Don’t be so SENSITIVE. Learn to deal. Being royally fucked over is a part of life. Your only defense is to shut up and get used to it. What? Not appealing? Well that’s funny considering it’s so easy for white people to tell non-white people that they should lead such a fucking pathetic existence being the silent butt boys and girls for evil, self-aggrandizing assholes with an inferiority complex coupled with out of control feelings of entitlement.

If you want to be a racist, be a racist. Just don’t expect me to shut up about the fact that I think you’re a pathetic asshole who should rot in hell. And if you work for a multi billion-dollar corporation with sponsors up the wazoo, don’t be a racist on air. Cuz you could get fired. Keep it for after work and office meetings like you usually do. I mean really, let’s cut the crap – if you really believe Imus was fired for being racist rather than for fucking with Les Moonves’ wallet, you are surely deluded. They were under pressure, they lost HUGE sponsors, there were protests, TONS of press…it didn’t look good for CBS’s rep. You don’t get canned for being a racist. If that were true, 99% of the entertainment industry would be out of a job. You get canned for fucking with white people’s money. Imus’ fucked with a big white guy’s cash flow. And he got what was coming to him. Deal.

There are double standards in this world because IT IS AN UNFAIR WORLD. People benefit because they are white and male and rich and people suffer because they are not white and not male and are poor. I don’t mock the homeless with wads of cash, I don’t moonwalk past paralyzed individuals, men should not hit women, and white people should not use the n-word and call innocent black women out of their name. We are not handicapped but this world is not made for us to flourish and feel beautiful and proud. It is made for us to feel ashamed that we were not born looking like you. Why would you want to bask in that? Flaunt that? Be proud and nonchalant and unapologetic about that? White people, you are the only group of people IN THE ENTIRE WORLD who have the “luxury” of being judged by who you are individually. So take advantage of it, stop being whiney hateful bitches and actually accept your responsibility for the things you think, say and feel. It’s not “that Black rapper’s fault” if you choose to be racist and use slurs. IT’S YOURS. So ask yourself, why do I need to say these things? Why do I need it to be okay to say these words and put down these people? If you are white and you really can’t understand why your using racial slurs against others WILL NEVER BE OKAY, then I guess you are just not fit to live in the world with human beings. So just fuck off to a red state, buy a big mac, put on your God hates fags t-shirt and swallow your deer-hunting rifle. And while you’re at it, you can take those mainstream, corporate house slave rappers with you. You deserve each other.

Don’t be a slut. Jesus says.

I really don’t want to be another snarky irreverent 20 something who mocks Christianity but this is why I am agnostic and Christians frighten me. They do. I’m sorry. I’ve been in situations where I am talking to a person and they seem really cool and funny but then there’ll be a change in convo and the phrase “I try to live a life without sin” will be used and my eyes will glaze over and my mouth will hang open and…I’ll just have to leave. Have you ever spoken to a young Christian girl? It’s the saddest thing I have ever seen. Just verbal regurgitation. They believe because they are told to. They are young, what else are they going to do. Not everyone feels the need to question. Actually life’s a lot safer that way. And they are always dressed like something out of Penthouse but then manage to drive home their “morals”. What does that mean? Cuz you don’t bang your boyfriend you just give him oral? Jesus allows for loopholes? What? Huh? What?

If you believe that sex before marriage is a sin, okay. If you believe that your untarnished vagina is the greatest gift you as a woman could ever give to a man, fine. If you let him put it anywhere but “there” in order to ensure your seat next to J-Chrizzy, that’s wonderful. But why oh why the condemnation of everyone who doesn’t feel the same? Have you ever been called a sinner by a Christian? It’s like literally arguing with a baby. You say “Well that isn’t very productive or inclusive and respectful of all the different outlooks and perspectives inevitably present in the diversity of human existence. So while I respect your conviction and passion you display behind your beliefs, you also have to accept that no one has the obligation to live THEIR lives in the way YOU see fit.” Then the baby goes “JHGYUYSPLAAGH! GAMMASPLAA! GAMMASPLACKKAAAAAH!” and then poops or something. And then you stare at each other. And either stick around to clean up the mess when you know there’s an endless supply just waiting to be unleashed or realize that this mofo ain’t yours to clean up after and just walk away.

I went to a Lutheran school where we wore uniforms and went to service and got crosses on our foreheads on ash wednesday and it was the most harrowing, horrifying, eye opening “drive-you-into-the-arms-of-the-dark-lord-himself” experience anyone under the age of 10 should have to endure. I saw religion as a tool people used to hit you with rulers and yell at you and wield their power over you and condemn you to the fiery flames of Hades if you didn’t do what they said exactly when and how they said it. I respect Jesus. And I used to wear a cross to celebrate him. Not any particular religion. But just him. Jesus. The man. Not Jesus Christ. That…I don’t know who that is. It’s this key-less cipher for everyone’s egocentric/ethnocentric expressions of intolerance, anger and bloodlust. Jesus the man, however, was pretty amazing. He was just this dude who believed that he was the saviour, you know. And everyone thought he was nutso and stuff. And he hated what the Roman church was doing and how all the priests and elders were livin it up with bling out the ass hardcore and picking and choosing who was worthy enough to worship and be loved by God. And Jesus was all, “hells naw. this shit is so busted. God belongs to everyone. That relationship doesn’t go through you. Each one of us has a direct relationship with the Almighty. No matter if we are rich, poor, prostitutes or lepers or women on their periods (cuz they were seen to be Unclean during those few days and the church was like, nah. Keep that shit outside biatch and come back in a week and Jesus was all like, “hells to the no”) And anyways it was written or whatever that the saviour will ride into town on a donkey or something and so Jesus rode on into town and vowed to put an end to the madness of Rome and all the crazy sinners cuz the end was nigh and they was all “oh you think so, huh?” and he was all “What, bitch, did I stutter? You see the donkey I rode in on. Romans betta recognize.” And so long story short, persecution, persecution, murder, death, entombment. Then somewhere along the line these chicks went to his tomb and saw he wasn’t there and were all “WTF?” and decided that he had come back to life and then 2000 years of insanity, death, murder and people stoning women to death in the name of virtue and Jesucristo ensue. Frankly they lost me when they started the whole Christ thing. But I think Jesus the man is an amazing model to follow. He wasn’t all about ego or worship. He didn’t want to be worshipped. He wanted people to see that God was everywhere and was theirs to discover. He knew who he was. He believed in who he was, and he died for who he was. But guess what, the mofo pretty much put the final nail in the coffin of the Western Roman empire. Like he said he would. That’s gotta count for something.

So from this man who was all about love, we get a culture steeped in fear. Don’t fuck or you’ll go to hell. Don’t lust or you’ll go to hell. Don’t steal cuz you’ll go to hell. Don’t covet cuz you’ll go to hell. I mean is there any space left in hell? If all that shit is true, I’ll see you bitches on the hot plate, that’s for damn sure.

I’d rather be caught in a dark alley with someone who does good because it is within them to do so rather than someone who does good only when they’re afraid of getting caught.

So if you want to taint your vagina, go ahead. If you want to shine it up nice and pretty for the old man, that’s fine too. But at least just have some fucking self respect about it. Do what you want and have confidence in that. Jesus. I mean it’s your freaking vag. If there ever is a young heterosexual woman in the world who owns their sexuality and knows the difference between expressing sexuality and expressing THEIR sexuality and realizes that you don’t have to be naked and bent over for either, I’ll fucking go into anaphylactic shock. And if you tell a guy you’re a virgin and he gets all hot and bothered and like, super into you, run. Run like a thief in the night.

Oh and just to be fair, I should point out that I think atheists are annoying as well. They’re just lazy and egomaniacal and sit around bitching about life and quoting Nietzsche. Shit happens. Really awful shit. Smell a fucking flower and get over it. If you ever make out with a horse, go insane and die in an asylum, then maybe I’ll hear your tune. But ’til then, it’s really not that fucking serious. Jesucristo…